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AMHERST   LIFE. 


AMHERST  LIFE 

Selections  from  the 
undergraduate  pub- 
lications at  Arn- 
herst  College  :  :  : 
Edited  by  Walter 
Savage  Ball  :  :  : 
Illustrated  by  W'.ll- 
iam  Cary  Duncan 


Published  by 

WILLIAM  CARPENTER  HOWLAND 

Amherst,  mdcccxcvi. 


Copyright,  1896, 

BY 

WILLIAM    CARPENTER    ROWLAND. 


PREFACE. 

The  selections  that  make  up  this  book 
have  been  chosen  from  the  various  publica- 
tions of  the  college  in  an  endeavor  to  pre- 
sent, as  faithfully  as  may  be,  a  picture  of 
the  real  student  life  at  Amherst;  life  being 
best  defined  by  the  sophomore  as  "What 
we  talk  about  after  dinner."  In  order  to 
accomplish  this,  mere  literary  excellence 
has  not  been  sought  for,  since  this  is  but 
one  result  of  a  single  phase  of  college  life. 
Undergraduates  will  care  more  to  remem- 
ber what  they  talked  about  than  how  their 
classmates  wrote  ;  while  those  who  have 
already  passed  commencement  day  and  the 
parchment  "rite"  will  at  best  think  of 
little  merit  the  cleverness  of  undergraduate 
style,  but  care  much  to  feel  again  the  stu- 
dent abandon,  which  once  enabled  them  to 
poke  fun  at  the  most  sacred  of  their  institu- 
tions or  to  moralize  happily  on  the  gravest 
questions  of  their  college  life. 

Of  the  three  college  publications,  "The 


VI  PREFACE. 

Olio  "  contains  by  far  the  most  of  the  typi- 
cal student  spirit.  In  the  more  dignified 
publications  the  college  writer  too  often 
leaves  the  rich  and  attractive  field  of  under- 
graduate experiences  to  attempt  the  por- 
trayal of  scenes  less  familiar  to  himself  and 
less  interesting  to  his  readers.  **  The  Olio  " 
is  at  present  almost  the  only  place  where  the 
familiar  scenes  of  Amherst  are  dealt  with. 
Its  position  as  the  annual  jest-book  of  the 
college  gives  it  a  freedom  of  thought  and 
expression  which,  while  they  would  often 
be  entirely  out  of  place  in  either  of  the 
other  publications,  nevertheless  present 
student  ideas  on  the  faculty,  the  town, 
college  customs  and  institutions,  as  found 
nowhere  else  save  in  the  student's  private 
den,  amid  clouds  of  laugh-tossed  smoke. 
These  are  the  things  that  are  remembered 
in  after  years,  and  these  are  the  things  the 
present  book  endeavors  to  preserve. 

Several  sketches  which  give  expression 
to  the  free  views  and  critical  observation 
that  characterize  the  student  in  his  dealings 
with  his  immediate  surroundings  have  been 
taken  from  the  recent  numbers  of  the 
**  Amherst  Literary  Monthly."  A  few  of 
the  best  stories  that  have  appeared  in  the 


PREFACE.  VU 

same  magazine,  describing  Amherst  scenes 
and  illustrating  the  special  features  of  Am- 
herst life,  are  included. 

The  aim  has  been  to  make  this  distinct- 
ively an  Amherst  book.  In  accordance 
with  this  aim,  a  department  has  been  given 
to  articles  on  the  Amherst  senate,  whose 
rise  was  viewed  with  so  much  interest  by 
the  colleges  of  the  country  and  whose  fall 
was  mourned  by  the  many  friends  of 
Amherst.  Here  will  be  found  a  letter 
written  by  an  alumnus  to  the  Amherst 
Student,  at  the  time  when  the  senate  ques- 
tion was  in  special  debate.  In  the  same 
department  are  placed  the  undergraduate 
ideas  on  compulsory  church  and  chapel. 
The  lightly  expressed  sentiments  of  the 
student  often  convey  in  the  directest  man- 
ner his  more  earnest  and  thoughtful 
opinions  on  such  questions  as  these.  A 
book  on  Amherst  life  would  also  be  incom- 
plete to  alumni,  present  and  future,  without 
some  memories  of  the  faculty,  for  many  of 
the  student's  best  ideas  come  in  connection 
with  the  professor  himself,  rather  than  the 
professor's  teaching,  where  they  of  course 
belong. 

Aside  from  classing  the  selections  under 


VIU  PREFACE. 

the  few  very  general  topics  the  order  of 
arrangement  has  been  left  pretty  much  to 
itself,  thus  illustrating  the  apparent  irrel- 
evancy of  the  experiences  and  thoughts  of 
him  who  has  been  called  "the  man  with  a 
purpose  alterable  only  by  a  dispensation  of 
Providence  or  a  joke  on  his  superiors": 
the  college  undergraduate. 


The  selections  in  this  book  have  been 
taken  from  the  following  sources: 

From  the  Eighty-five  Olio:  "  The  Mark- 
ing System,"  "Amherst  Fire  Department." 

From  the  Eighty-six  Olio:  **A  Short 
History  of  Amherst  College." 

From  the  Eighty-seven  Olio:  "Am- 
herst Miscellany." 

From  the  Eighty-eight  Olio:  "History 
of  the  Senate,"  "The  Annual  Picture  Rush," 

From  the  Eighty-nine  Olio:  "Dedication 
to  the  Senate." 

From  the  Ninety-one  Olio:  "The  Old 
Dormitories,"  "  Ubi  Sunt,  O  Pocula!'" 

From  the  Ninety-two  Olio  :  "  Extracts 
from  the  Catalogue,"  ,**  To  Julius  Hawley 
Seelye,"  "  Rime  of  the  Ancient  Derwall," 
"Compulsory  Chapel  Attendance." 

From  the  Ninety-three  Olio:  "Chimes 
from  the  Dumb  Bells,"  "The  Convents." 

From  the  Ninety-four  Olio  :  "The  Pui-- 
ple  and  White,"  "To  Richie,"  "A  Matin 
Idyl,"  "  To  the  Pharisee." 


X  AMHERST  LIFE. 

From  the  Ninety-five  Olio:  "To  Good 
Old  Doc,"  ''Four  Lives,"  ''The  Snake 
Editor's  Dream,"  "To  the  Trustees,"  "In 
Amherst  Town,"  "Ye  Jolly  Junior," 
"Satires  of  Amherst,"  "A  General  Esti- 
mate." 

From  the  Ninety-six  Olio:  "To  Profes- 
sor Garman,"  "A  Reverie  from  Rhetoric," 
"The  Convent  Girl,"  "The  Plugger," 
"The  Maiden  and  Her  Friend,"  "Over 
the  Notch,"  "A  Meditative  Student," 
"Old  Derwall  on  Memory." 

From  the  Ninety-seven  Olio:  "The 
Ex-Smoker's  Lament,"  "  As  to  College 
Hall,"  "A.  P.  A.,"  "To  the  Head  of  the 
German  Department." 

From  the  Literary  Monthly:  "The 
Sport's  Off  Day,"  "  Ministering  Angels," 
**A  Dimpled  Platonist,"  "A  Political 
Deal,"  "  Sawyer's  Holiday,"  "Two  Verses." 

From  the  Student:  "A  Light  Verse 
Doxology,"  "A  New  'In  Loco  Parentis' 
Idea,"  "A  Bit  of  Correspondence." 


CONTENTS. 


PA6B 

The  College. 

A  Short  History  of  Amherst  College      .  i 

Extracts  from  the  Catalogue,        .        .  9 

A.  P.  A., 12 

As  to  College  Hall 16 

The  Old  Dormitories  (1890),     ...  18 

To  the  Trustees,            ....  20 

Faculty  and  Courses. 

To  Julius  Hawley  Seelye,         ...  25 

Two  Verses, 26 

A  General  Estimate,         ....  27 

To  "  Good  Old  Doc,"     ....  28 

Professor  Garman, 29 

To  the   Head  of  the  German   Depart- 
ment,              30 

Our  Marking  System,       .        .        .        -31 

Chimes  from  the  Dumb-bells,       .        .  32 

The  Rime  of  the  Ancient  Derwall,          .  34 

Old  Derwall  on  Memory,      ...  37 

The  Senate  and  Compulsory  Church. 

Compulsory  Chapel  Attendance,     .        .  43 

A  Light  Verse  Doxolog^,      ...  45 

Satires  of  Amherst,           ....  46 

The  Snake  Editor's  Dream,          .        .  49 


Xll 


CONTENTS. 


History  of  the  Senate  to  1887, 
A  Bit  of  Correspondence, 
A  New  "  In  Loco  Parentis  "  Idea, 
Dedication  of  the  '89  Olio, 
The  Maiden  and  Her  Friend, 

Amherst  Types  and  Scenes. 

A  Matin  Idyl,         .... 

Ubi  Sunt,  O  Pocula  ! 

The  Annual  Picture  Rush, 

The  Plugger, 

Ministering  Angels, 

To  the  Pharisee, 

The  Amherst  Fire  Department, 

A  Meditative  Student, 

The  Sport's  Off-day,      . 

Before  the  Free  Delivery, 

The  Convents 

Amherst  Reveries. 
In  Amherst  Town, 

Four  Lives, 

Reverie  from  Rhetoric, 
Amherst  Miscellany, 
The  Ex-Smoker's  Lament, 
To  the  Convent  Girl,     . 
Over  the  Notch, 
Ye  JoUie  Junior,     .... 

Amherst  Stories. 

A  Dimpled  Platonist, 
A  Political  Deal, 
Sawyer's  Holiday,     ... 


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98 

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lOI 

102 


105 
119 
129 


THE  PURPLE  AND  WHITE, 

Old  Amherst,  our  loved  Alma  Mater, 

Enthroned  on  thy  beautiful  hill, 
Thou  fountain  from  whence  purest  water  y 

In  clear  limpid  streams  does  distill; 
Thy  symbols,  the  book  and  the  sun. 

Shall  together  the  far  lands  enlight. 
All  hail  to  thy  glorious  colors  ! 

Three  cheers  for  the  purple  and  white  ! 

Fond  memories  of  thee  shall  e'er  linger. 

Enshrined  in  each  son's  loyal  heart. 
Thy  precepts  shall  be  as  a  finger. 

Directing  our  course  on  life's  chart. 
Thy  name  shall  sound  forth  as  our  watchword, 

Leading  into  the  thick  of  the  fight. 
As  we  press  ever  onward  and  upward. 

Proudly  wearing  the  purple  and  white. 

Rich  purple,  the  old  regal  color. 

The  badge  noiv  of  thy  royalty — 
May  its  bright  luster  never  grow  duller — 

Ever  strong  as  our  own  loyalty. 
Together,  with  its  fair  companion. 

So  pure,  unspotted,  and  bright, 
May  it  ever  wave  gloriously  o'er  us. 

Three  cheers  for  the  purple  and  white  ! 


THE   COLLEGE. 


AMHERST  LIFE. 


A    SHORT    HISTORY    OF    AMHERST 
COLLEGE. 

TO  1885. 

(  The  writer  of  this  history  desires  to  express 
his  obligations  to  Professor  W.  S.  Tyler,  from 
whose  excellent  history  of  Amherst  College  he 
has  derived  much  information  ;  and  also  to 
Professor  Genung  and  Lord  Macaulay^  whose 
styles  he  has  tried  to  follow. ) 

The  want  of  a  college  in  the  Connecticut 
valley  seems  to  have  been  felt  previous  to 
the  Revolution,  probably  wanted  by  the 
starving  storekeepers,  and  as  there  was 
a  mother  in  Amherst  for  the  college,  it  was 
established  here  some  time  after  the  want 
was  felt. 

The  great  natural  beauty  of  the  place 
had,    perhaps,    something  to  do   with   the 


4  AMHERST  LIFE. 

college  being  located  in  Amherst,  On  the 
east  was  Pelham,  a  great  and  flourishing 
metropolis,  as  large,  if  not  larger,  then 
than  now,  and  there  were  the  **  Pelham 
daisies."  The  country  about  the  north 
raised  grapes  and  watermelons  in  abund- 
ance, and  this  could  teach  the  students  to 
look  out  for  themselves.  On  the  south 
there  was  a  river,  and  that  is  all  there  is 
there  now.  On  the  west  was  Old  Hadley, 
the  Connecticut  river,  and  Northampton. 
Students  of  the  present  day  wonder  what 
Hamp  could  have  been  in  those  days. 
Where  were  Smith  and  Miss  Burnham's, 
and  what  would  Hamp  be  without  them  ? 
You  can  borrow  a  dollar  there  now. 

But  we  were  speaking  of  the  founding  of 
the  college.  There  had  been  an  effort  to 
unite  the  mother  to  Williams,  which  was  then 
a  much  larger  and  more  flourishing  college 
than  it  is  now,  but  this  finally  fell  through, 
as  the  Williams  men  wanted  the  earth. 
They  don't  now.  But  finally  things  came 
to  a  focus,  and  with  the  help  of  a  Williams 
brother  (how  much  we  owe  to  Williams — 
they  now  teach  us  to  play  baseball !)  and 
some  masons  the  corner  stone  was  laid 
August  9,  1820.     We  have  tried  to  find  it, 


THE   COLLEGE.  % 

but  could  not.  It  has  probably  gone  to 
find  the  Starr  Grove  mines — another  Am- 
herst industry. 

The  college  started  in  182 1,  with  Zepha- 
niah  Swift  Moore  of  Williams  (Williams 
again)  as  president.  We  will  here  remark 
that  Williams  seems  to  be  as  much  the 
mother  of  Amherst  College,  as  the  Amherst 
Academy,  and  we  are  compelled  in  acknowl- 
edging the  relationship  to  quote  from  Hor- 
ace :  O  matre  pulchra  filia  pulchrior. 

The  college  was  first  called,  and  was,  per- 
haps, a  charity  institution.  We  merely 
make  this  allusion  to  show  how  things 
change.  No  one  would  call  it  a  charity 
institution  now.  There  is  no  charity  shown 
to  students,  or  there  would  be  no  afternoon 
service  on  Sundays,  and  the  editors  of  this 
publication  would  receive  good  scholarships, 
but  we  may  get  them  yet. 

The  term  bills  were  $10  and  $11,  and 
the  students  received  as  much  instruc- 
tion as  we  do  now  for  $50,  but  they  could 
not  attend  prayers  and  church  as  often. 
So  we  pay  $88  per  year  for  religious  ser- 
vices— but  we  get  our  money's  worth. 

Board  was  from  $1  to  $1.25  per  week, 
and  with  the  faculty  grapes  and  Sunderland 


6  AMHERST  LIFE. 

watermelons,  the  students  probably  had 
enough  to  eat. 

From  its  foundation  up  to  February  21, 
1825,  the  college  got  along  without  a  char- 
ter, but  on  that  date  one  was  granted,  and 
Amherst  became  one  of  the  chartered  col- 
leges of  the  land.  How  many  of  the  faculty 
and  students  have  ever  seen  this  charter  ? 

In  August,  1830,  a  great  event  occurred, 
namely,  the  founding  of  the  Antivenenean 
society.  The  members  swore  off  on  about 
everything  except  watermelons  and  chapel, 
and  the  society  was,  and  is  now,  one  of  the 
most  popular  in  college.  There  have  also 
been  missionary  bands  in  the  college.  The 
early  bands  converted  the  heathen  in  Pel- 
ham  and  Hadley,  and  the  one  now  in  col- 
lege is  trying  to  convert  the  members 
themselves. 

The  college  has  received  in  all  but  $52,- 
500  from  the  state,  not  a  third  of  what  a 
small  college  at  Williamstown,  or  not  a 
tithe  of  what  Harvard  has  received,  but  has 
always  looked  out  and  cared  for  herself. 

The  college  has  funds  amounting  to 
$595,000  (or  had  some  years  ago;  it  is 
probably  larger  now).  The  value  of  the 
buildings,    funds,    etc.,    is   over  a    million 


THE  COLLEGE.  7 

dollars,  and  yet  we  are  burdened  twice  a 
year  by  a  note  reading  as  follows  : 

Amherst  College, 

Mr , 

Dear  Sir  : 

The  first  (or  second)  installment  of  your 
term  bill  is  still  unpaid.  Please  give  it 
your  prompt  attention. 

Yours  truly, 

W.  A.  Dickinson, 

Treasurer. 

Comment  is  unnecessary. 

As  tall  oaks  from  little  acorns  grow,  our 
college  has  grown  so  that  now  its  branches 
cover  many  lands,  while  its  roots  derive 
nourishment  from  every  country  and  every 
clime.  Amherst  has  brave  men  in  foreign 
lands  working  for  the  gospel  of  Christ. 
She  has  given  lawmakers  to  our  country, 
and  has  sent  forth  some  of  the  greatest 
preachers  of  modern  times.  She  has  never 
given  a  president  of  the  United  States,  or  a 
pickpocket,  but  many  of  us  are  young  yet. 

All  old  and  young  graduates  love  Am- 
herst, and  when  we  go  forth  to  our  labors, 
among  the  happiest  of  our  memories  will 


8  AMHERST  LIFE. 

be  the  days  of  our  college  life.  When  far 
away  we  can  see  as  though  in  a  dream,  the 
rushes,  rope-pulls,  and  rackets;  the  cutting, 
cribbing,  and  convents;  the  ball  games  and 
athletics;  and  we  can  also  hear  the  college 
yell,  and  can  almost  see,  rising  and  floating 
above  all,  the  purple  and  white  of  old  Am- 
herst. 

So  while  we  sit  and  muse  these  words  will 
come  to  us: 

"  And  eastward  still,  upon  the  last  green  step, 
From  which  the  angel  of  the  morning  light 
Leaps  to  the  meadow  lands,  fair  Amherst  sat, 
Capped  by  her  many- windowed  colleges." 

And,  while  in  the  midst  of  these  recollec- 
tions we  are 

' '  Kind  o'  smily  round  the  lips. 
And  teary  round  the  lashes," 

we  will  say  down  deep  in  our  hearts:  '*  God 
bless  and  keep  old  Amherst !  " 


THE   COLLEGE. 


EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  CATA- 
LOGUE. 

ADMINISTRATION. 

The  following  are  the  principles  of  ad- 
ministration observed  : 

(i.)  Work  is  assigned  the  student  with 
careful  reference  to  his  capacity.  This  is 
especially  true  in  the  section  of  modern 
languages;  this  section  points  with  pride  to 
the  fact  that  out  of  976  students  who  have 
taken  German  or  Italian  6^^  years,  only  J^ 
per  cent,  have  died  from  tfrain  fever,  and 
in  his  case  it  was  sunstroke. 

(2.)  The  student  should  make  the  utmost 
improvement  of  his  time  and  talents  in 
regularly  and  diligently  doing  what  the 
athletic  association  assigns  him. 

(3.)  No  student  should  be  continued  in  a 
class  for  which  he  is  unfit;  no  man  who 
cannot  horse  accurately  and  fluently  need 
apply  for  any  monitorship. 

(4.)  Every  student  is  expected  to  cut  one- 
tenth  of  all  his  recitations,  or  his  case  will 
come  up  before  the  senate. 

(5.)  Regularity    of    attendance    on    the 


lO  AMHERST  LIFE. 

religious  services  is  required,  but  close 
attention  is  purely  optional.  The  section 
of  English  literature  will  on  application 
.furnish  lists  of  good  books  for  use  in  con- 
nection with  these  services. 

THE   PORTER    ADMISSION    PRIZE. 

Any  freshman  who  takes  this  prize  is 
expected  to  loaf,  get  fired  out  of  Pott's,  and 
suffer  from  swelled  head, 

MATHEMATICS. 

The  instruction  during  freshman  year  is 
devoted  to  geometry,  algebra,  and  trigonom- 
etry. In  addition,  the  advanced  division 
during  the  spring  term  pursues  a  course  of 
surveying  under  the  auspices  of  the  athletic 
association. 

HYGIENE. 

The  freshmen  are  first  instructed  in  the 
use  of  the  various  parts  of  the  student  body, 
and  this  is  followed  by  laboratory  work  in 
the  gymnasium.  In  the  spring  term  a 
slight  amount  of  study  in  human  physi- 
ology is  allowed,  supplemented  by  many 
anatomical  preparations  and  amusing  illus- 
trations. All  students  are  required  to  take 
this  course,  and  very  few  ever  regret  it. 


THE  COLLEGE.  II 

EXPENSES. 

Term  bills $i  lo.oo 

Room  rent 2.00 

Fuel  (in  dormitories)  and  lights. . .  45.00 

Board  (Merrick's) i3-5o 

Doctor's  bills  (Merrick's) 60.00 

Total $230. 50 

A  higher  rent  is  charged  for  some  of  the 
best  rooms  in  the  dormitories  and  in  town. 
Expenses  vary  according  to  the  character 
and  luxurious  habits  of  the  students.  They 
can  be  materially  reduced  by  borrowing 
kerosene  and  stealing  coal. 

HALLOCK   PARK. 

This  is  an  original  forest  of  six  acres,  to 
which  the  attention  of  the  sporting  fra- 
ternity is  now  directed.  It  is  well  stocked 
with  canaries  and  other  game  birds.  Some 
of  the  trees  have  been  measured  with  a 
theodolite,  and  they  are  30  feet  6)^  inches 
high.  Only  a  little  underbrush  has  been 
left;  a  wagon  road  for  the  use  of  heavy 
teams  passes  through  it,  and  lovers  of  the 
beautiful  are  allowed  without  extra  charge 
to  watch  the  trains  on  the  Central  Massa- 
chusetts get  stuck  in  the  cut,  or  gaze  at  the 


12  AMHERST  LIFE. 

fences  on  the  other  side  of  the  cut  or 
around  Blake  field.  The  park  is  very- 
near  Pratt  field,  and  can  be  easily  reached 
from  there  by  way  of  Pelham.  Students 
generally  frequent  this  lovely  spot  in 
moments  of  leisure,  or  for  the  enjoyment 
of  its  facilities  for  quiet  study. 


A.  P.  A. 


AMHERST    PICKPOCKET    ASSOCIATION. 
FOUNDED    IN    1821. 

Object — By  a  closer  fraternal  union  of  the 
members  to  promote  their  mutual  interests. 

History — Started  by  the  townspeople  in 
182 1,  it  has  been  virtually  under  their  con- 
trol ever  since.  All  are  members,  from  the 
young  imp  old  enough  to  run  errands,  to 
the  venerable  retired  minister  of  the  gospel, 
who,  all  aglow  with  kindliness  and  benevo- 
lence, labors  to  convince  the  anxious  parent 
of  the  immense  advantage  that  his  son  will 
receive  in  having  a  gray-haired  guardian  and 
adviser  who  can  guide  the  inexperienced 
youth  safely  through  (?)  the  many  snares 


THE   COLLEGE.  1 3 

and  pitfalls  of  college  life,  particularly  of 
freshman  year. 

The  proceedings  of  the  Association  have 
always  been  characterized  by  the  greatest 
unanimity  and  singleness  of  aim,  and  until 
recently  no  signs  of  internal  dissension 
have  been  perceived. 

The  first  meeting  of  the  year  was  held 
early  in  the  opening  week  of  fall  term,  and 
at  first  promised  to  be  no  more  eventful 
than  usual.  After  initiating  the  latest  addi- 
tions to  the  faculty,  and  granting  the  degree 
of  E.  P.  (Eminent  Purloiner)  to  two  tutors 
for  their  zealous  work  in  behalf  of  the  asso- 
ciation in  their  respective  departments,  the 
society  proceeded  to  business.  The  report 
of  the  committee  appointed  at  the  last 
meeting  to  procure  designs  for  badges  was 
called  for,  and  after  much  discussion  a  bit 
of  sponge  tied  to  the  buttonhole  with  a 
gilt  ribbon  was  adopted,  as  being  most  ap- 
propriate. The  salute  was  also  changed. 
Formerly  it  had  been  given  by  laying  the 
forefinger  of  the  right  hand  along  the  nose, 
and  winking  with  the  left  eye.  Now  it  was 
to  be  made  by  placing  the  hand  with  three 
fingers  extended,  upon  the  right  breast 
pocket  of  the  coat,  that  being  the  pocket 


14  AMHERST  LIFE. 

where  the  members  supposedly  carried 
their  pocketbooks.  Tip  objected  on  the 
ground  that  he  carried  his  in  his  hat,  and  a 
special  exception  was  made  in  his  case. 

Next,  secretary  Swamp  read  his  annual 
report.  He  said  that  the  society  was  not 
as  strong  in  some  points  as  it  should  be, 
and  care  should  be  taken  not  to  kill  the 
goose  that  was  laying  the  golden  ^%%.  The 
**  co-op  "  store  showed  a  falling  off  in  its  re- 
turns. The  lecture  course  had  kicked  the 
bucket.  The  new  "lab"  with  its  unright- 
eous fees,  was  a  winning  card,  but  in  order 
to  silence  the  murmurs  of  the  victims,  the 
association  had  been  obliged  to  give  up 
vespers,  and  it  looked  now,  as  if  compul — 
er — institutional  worship  would  have  to  go 
too.  At  this.  Spear's  representative  arose 
and  objected  so  strenuously  on  the  ground 
that  it  would  ruin  the  trade  in  novels,  that 
the  idea  was  abandoned  at  once.  Then 
Swampy  suggested  that  *'gym"  drill  be  sac- 
rificed, but  at  that  Old  Doc  leaped  to  his 
feet.  It  wouldn't  do.  The  Hitchcock  and 
Blodgett  syndicate  had  been  by  far  the 
most  productive  scheme  yet  put  in  practice, 
and  he  wasn't  going  to  see  it  pinched,  not 
by  a  good  deal.     It  was  bad  enough  as  it 


THE  COLLEGE.  15 

was.  There  had  long  been  a  demand  for 
sweaters  in  place  of  the  useless  blue  bags 
that  Blodgett  furnished  as  coats,  and  now 
Ninety-seven  had  gone  and  worn  tennis 
trousers  at  the  Lincoln  exhibition.  Prexy 
here  rapped  for  order,  and  suggested  that 
they  let  the  matter  rest  until  he  had  thrown 
out  a  few  more  sops  from  the  chapel  pulpit. 
He  could  tickle  the  boys  a  little  on  athlet- 
ics, scholarship,  good-behavior,  and  so  on. 
They  could  even  bring  up  the  senate  matter 
again.  It  wouldn't  do  any  harm  to  talk 
about  it,  and  it  might  pacify  the  victims  for 
a  while.  He  guessed  that  with  a  little  oil 
things  would  move  on  pretty  smoothly. 

The  advisability  of  establishing  branch 
associations  at  Hamp  and  Springfield  was 
next  discussed,  but  it  was  finally  decided  to 
be  unnecessary. 

The  meeting  was  then  adjourned,  and 
the  members  repaired  to  Brother  Deuel's, 

where  they  partook  of on  the  new 

initiates. 


l6  AMHERST  LIFE. 


AS  TO  COLLEGE   HALL. 

There  has  been  considerable  discussion 
of  late  among  archaeologists  in  regard  to 
the  origin  and  identity  of  college  hall.  Pro- 
fessor Sterret  had  at  one  time  actually 
made  up  his  mind  to  discover  in  it  the  sites 
of  Lystra  and  Derbe,  but  wisely  changed 
his  mind  at  the  last  moment,  3«d  chose  the 
far  East  instead,  on  account  of  its  more 
healthful  climate. 

The  Noah's  ark  theory  is  another  popu- 
lar fancy  in  relation  to  our  relic  of  pre- 
historic architecture  situated  next  the 
library.  Professor  Elwell  says  that  "the 
building  corresponds  most  decidedly  with 
the  recollections  which  he  has  of  that  his- 
toric craft."  The  fact  that  good,  respect- 
able doves  can  be  induced  to  take  up  their 
abode  in  the  ramshackle  tower,  points 
strongly  to  some  deep-seated  cause  for 
their  affection  other  than  any  passing  fancy. 
The  professor  even  claims  that  he  has  seen 
the  swift  birds  winging  their  way  toward 
the  tower  with  olive  branches  in  their 
mouths,   but  on  closer  questioning  it  was 


THE   COLLEGE.  17 

found  to  have  occurred  in  the  nesting  sea- 
son, and  the  so-called  olive  branches  were 
proven  to  be  straws  from  a  stable-yard. 
Professor  Frink  claims  that  the  west  end  of 
the  building,  at  least,  is  a  part  of  the 
original  garden  of  Eden,  for  he  says  it 
always  seems  like  paradise  to  him.  His 
proteges,  on  the  other  hand,  are  unanimous 
in  the  opinion  that  it  is  the  famous  "Black 
Hole  of  Calcutta,"  renovated  and  restored, 
but  possessing,  nevertheless,  many  of  the 
features  of  the  original. 

Trembling  undergraduates  at  examina- 
tion time  have  hinted  that  it  was  the  well- 
known  "lion's  den"  of  Bible  story,  and 
between  chattering  teeth  have  sung  "Dare 
to  be  a  Daniel,"  as  they  entered  its  awful 
portals. 

The  Amherst  G.  A.  R.,  with  character- 
istic originality,  positively  asserted  that  it 
was  Libby  Prison,  until  Libby  Prisons  be- 
came as  common  at  all  large  expositions  as 
pieces  of  the  true  cross  in  Old  World  mon- 
asteries; and  the  idea  was  abandoned  as 
too  commonplace. 

A  dispute  then  arose  on  the  question  of 
choice  between  the  battleship  Merrimac 
and  the  house  where  Lee  surrendered,  a 


l8  AMHERST  LIFE. 

compromise  being  finally  effected  and  Fort 
Sumter  chosen  as  the  lucky  place.  These 
are  but  a  few  of  the  latest  nineteenth-cen- 
tury suggestions  as  to  college  hall.  All 
differ  widely  and  all  have  some  plausible 
points.  The  Olio  cannot  and  cares  not  to 
discriminate.  All  it  claims  is  that  the  old 
wreck  ought  to  be  put  under  glass  and 
preserved  for  what  it  is — a  relic;  not  forced 
into  unseemly  use  as  a  hall  of  learning. 
People  do  not  use  Indian  arrow  heads  for 
cobble  stones,  nor  the  "true  cross"  to 
train  pea  vines  on.  There  is  a  propriety 
which  demands  that  college  hall  be  laid  on 
the  shelf  or  torn  down. 


THE   OLD    DORMITORIES   (1890). 

Among  the  many  superior  advantages 
which  our  college  affords,  none  are  more 
noteworthy  than  those  which  are  offered  by 
a  residence  in  one  of  our  admirable  dor- 
mitories. The  dormitory  system  is  so 
simple  and  so  complete,  that  to  mention  it 
in  other  terms  than  those  of  the  highest 


THE   COLLEGE.  19 

praise  would  be  to  betray  a  carping  spirit 
indeed.  Perhaps  the  most  elegant  of  them 
all  is  that  known  as  North  Purgatory, 
This  building  exhibits  all  of  the  Greek 
simplicity,  but  abhors  those  ultra  refine- 
ments which,  we  are  told,  finally  resulted  in 
the  spinal  curvature  of  Greek  outlines  in 
general.  Within  are  spacious  rooms,  which 
are  arranged  with  great  economy  of  space, 
being  hampered  by  none  of  those  obstruct- 
ing angles  and  shelving  roofs  which  abound 
in  buildings  of  the  hybrid  "  Queen  Anne  " 
order.  The  hall-ways  are  provided  with 
board  floors,  and  there  are  three  flights  of 
stairs  for  the  convenience  of  the  students. 
Hardly  less  handsome  and  commodious, 
and  an  almost  equal  favorite,  is  the  dormi- 
tory known  as  South  Sheol.  On  the  fourth 
floor  of  this  building  are  the  favorite  rooms, 
looking  out  upon  the  tennis  court  and 
that  beautiful  specimen  of  modern  architec- 
ture, the  Appleton  cabinet.  The  facilities 
for  exercise  afforded  by  these  apartments 
are  excellent,  as  coal  may  be  carried  from 
the  basement  up  the  three  flights  of  stairs 
at  the  will  of  the  student.  The  social 
advantages  secured  by  a  life  in  these  noble 
dormitories  are  too  well  known  to  need 
3 


20  AMHERST  LIFE. 

enumeration  here.  Enough  to  say  that 
these  advantages  are  unsurpassed  by  those 
of  any  lunatic  asylum  in  the  country,  and 
that  the  character  of  their  occupants  is  in 
keeping  with  the  incomparable  tone  of  the 
buildings  themselves. 


TO  THE  TRUSTEES, 

Or  whoever  is  responsible  for  the  selec- 
tion of  the  site  of  the  new  laboratory,  we 
tender  our  most  hearty  congratulations. 
For  inconvenience  of  access  and  general 
unsightliness  it  certainly  surpasses  any 
other  location  in  town.  It  is  difficult  to 
imagine  what  deterred  those  controlling 
the  location  of  the  building  from  placing  it 
on  the  Pelham  hills.  There  it  would  have 
been  a  landmark  visible  for  miles  in  all 
directions.  All  possibility  of  its  being 
regarded  as  a  part  of  the  gas  works  or  hat 
shops  would  thus  have  been  avoided,  and 
as  for  convenience — well,  that  doesn't  ap- 
pear to  cut  any  figure  in  the  consideration. 
It  is  to  be  hoped  that  Pete,  Amherst's 


THE   COLLEGE.  21 

only  ticket  speculator,  or  some  other  phil- 
anthropic ''sharper,"  ever  mindful  of  the 
student's  interests,  will  at  once  inaugu- 
rate a  stage  line  to  run  between  the  vari- 
ous fraternity  houses  and  our  suburban 
laboratory. 


FACULTY  AND  COURSES. 


TO  JULIUS  HAWLEY  SEELYE. 
(1891.) 

In  the  twilight  of  life,  when  the  husband- 
man's labor  is  done, 

Let  him  rest  from  the  cares  of  the  day,  who 
hath  labored  so  well  'neath  the  sun. 

For  his  service  was  honest  and  good  since 
his  service  began, 

As  becometh  a  worker  in  truth  who  is  toil- 
ing for  God  and  for  man. 

In  the  autumn  of  life,  when  the  husband- 
man, weary  and  gray, 

Findeth  rest  from  his  summer  of  toil,  let 
our  honor  his  labor  repay. 

Let  him  rest  as  the  husbandman  rests,  with 
his  loved  and  his  own. 

While  he  leaveth  to  others  the  fruit  of  the 
seed  that  his  spirit  hath  sown. 

For  the  russet  or  gold  of  his  harvest  already 
appears, 

And  the  reapers  are  stalwart  and  young 
who  shall  garner  the  wealth  of  his 
years  ; 

as 


26  AMHERST  LIFE. 

And  their  hands  shall  be  willing  and  glad, 

and  their  spirit  be  strong, 
As  they  harvest  the  fruit  of  his  toil,  and 

remember  his  worth  in  a  song. 


TWO   VERSES. 

IN    MEMORIAM    JULIUS   H.    SEELYE,    1895. 


A  BIRD  sang  sweet  and  loud, — 

He  kissed  a  little  child: 
A  rainbow  burst  a  cloud, — 

He  took  a  sinner's  hand: 
A  fruit  tree  blossomed  white, — 

A  death  sting  he  beguiled: 
A  blind  man  found  his  sight, — 

He  made  him  understand. 


He  towered  head  and  shoulders  over  aver- 
age man, 
A  noble  figure  that  yet  blessed  the  land 
it  trod; 
I  said,  he  stands  upright  as  only  godlike  can, 
I  said,  his  head  is  high  because  he  talks 
with  God 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  27 


A  GENERAL  ESTIMATE. 

EXTRACT    FROM    A    PAMPHLET    DISCOVERED 
IN    4000    A.    D. 

And  in  a  certain  place  named  Massa- 
chusetts there  was  founded,  in  182 1,  a  col- 
lege called  Amherst.  It  has  not  yet  been 
ascertained  whether  the  College  derived  its 
name  from  the  town  in  which  it  was  situ- 
ated, but  beyond  a  doubt  it  was  the  most 
noted  of  all  similar  institutions  on  account 
of  the  quaint  and  peculiar  body  of  men 
which  in  those  days  was  known  as  the 
faculty.  Many  nice  young  men  came  to 
this  place  in  the  fall,  and  stayed  until  the 
following  summer.  It  is  supposed  that 
they  came  here  to  instruct  the  faculty  con- 
cerning the  movements  of  the  world  outside 
of  Amherst.  The  so-called  faculty  were 
not  "up"  in  this  particular  branch.  No 
blame  is  attached  to  them,  however,  on  this 
account,  because  they  had  belonged  to  the 
College  for  so  long  a  time  and  had  been 
handed  down  from  epoch  to  epoch,  genera- 
tion after  generation,   that  the  institution 


28  AMHERST  LIFE. 

felt  bound  to  hold  them  in  restraint,  lest 
some  more  formidable  body  like  Fore- 
paugh's  circus  or  Dartmouth  College  might 
capture  and  make  way  with  them. 


TO  ''GOOD  OLD  DOC."    • 

Our  Good  Old  Doc's  a  man, 
A  man  who  needs  no  praise; 

To  whom  be  peace  and  honor, 
Sound  health  and  length  of  days. 

With  step  that's  firm  and  quick. 
With  accents  sharp  and  true, 

With  way  that's  bright  and  cheery, 
In  truth — a  man  for  you. 

No  student  has  a  friend 
Who'll  aid  near  half  as  well. 

Or  last  so  long  and  faithful 
As  Doc,  of  whom  we  tell. 

And  when  in  after  years 
We  all  come  back  again, 

We'll  greet  Doc  then  right  royal 
With  voice  and  not  with  pen. 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  29 

For  Good  Old  Doc's  a  man, 
A  man  right  through  and  through, 

And  though  his  locks  are  silver, 
He's  young  as  I — or  you. 


And  so  let  honor  rest 

Upon  that  silver  head, 
And  peace  with  gentle  motion 

Her  golden  wings  outspread. 

For  Good  Old  Doc's  a  man, 
A  man  right  through  and  through, 

And  though  his  locks  are  silver, 
He's  young  as  I — or  you. 


PROFESSOR  GARMAN. 

A  MAN  whom  Wisdom's  children  long 
To  know;  and  knowing  come  to  trust; 
And  trusting  learn  to  love.     He  strikes 
The  deepest,  noblest  chords  within 
Our  hearts,  and  teaches  us  to  know 
Ourselves,  our  fellows,  and  our  God. 


3©  AMHERST  LIFE. 

From  Tips*  biological  lectures:  "If  I 
should  ever  preach  in  the  college  church, — 
if  such  a  thing  were  conceivable, — I  would 
preach  on  the  Sabbath  ;  and  I  don't  know 
as  I  should  say  very  much  about  the  Sab- 
bath either.  I  would  emphasize  the  other 
part  of  the  text  :  '  Six  days  shalt  thou 
labor.'" 


TO  THE  HEAD  OF  THE  GERMAN 
DEPARTMENT. 

If  you're  fond  of  racy  stories, 

If  you  want  a  spicy  joke, 
If  you  like  to  hear  related 

A  pleasant  anecdote  ; 
If  your  quest  is  for  a  teacher 

Who  will  never  be  a  bore, 
Then  hie  you  to  the  portals  wide 

Of  Richie's  class-room  door. 

If  what  you  want  is  wisdom, 
Well  mixed  with  common  sense, 

If  you  wish  to  hear  life's  problems 
Discussed  with  eloquence. 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  3^ 

If  you  like  a  plain  and  earnest  man, 

Who's  a  man  right  through  and  through, 

Then  Richie  is  the  proper  one 
To  fill  the  bill  for  you. 


OUR  MARKING  SYSTEM. 

THE    FACULTY    SLIP. 


Mr.  X.— 

Latin,    .... 

■     3^ 

Greek,       .... 

3^ 

Mathematics, 

.     4>^ 

3  1^ 

Actual  mark,     . 

•     4 

THE    STUDENT    SLIP. 

Mr.  X.— 

Latin,        .... 

•     3 

Greek, 

3 

Mathematics,    . 

•     4 

3  I  IP 
Your  mark  for  last  term  was   .     .     3 
E.  B.  Marsh. 


32  AMHERST  LIFE. 


CHIMES    FROM    THE    DUMB-BELLS. 

"  Gentlemen!  By — by  my  eternal  birth- 
right, if  I  see  another  one  of  you  throw- 
ing a  dumb-bell  across  this  floor,  I  will 
hand  him  over  to  the  captain  for  fifty  cents 
a  dumb-bell.  You  may  think  that  it's 
smart,  and  funny,  but  it  isn't.  I  know 
you're  young  and  green  yet,  and  feel  good 
and  like  to  frisk  round  and  let  yourselves 
loose  now  and  then  like  new-born  calves, 
but,  gentlemen,  I  do  draw  the  line  some- 
where. I  don't  very  often  say,  'you  shall,* 
and  'you  sha'n't ! '  but  there  are  some 
things  which  must  be  held  sacred  even  in 
this  gymnasium.  You  know  they  have  a 
day  in  the  church  calendar  which  they  call 
'All  Saints'  Day';  now  I  think  that  you're 
like  the  church.  You  have  the  day,  but  I'd 
like  to  name  it  'All  Devils'  Day.'  [Long 
continued  yells  and  stamping.]  Gentlemen! 
Gentlemen  !  I  command  you  to  atten- 
tion. [Silence  after  a  while.]  When  my 
father  heard  that  I  was  to  have  charge  of 
the  gymnasium,  says  he,  'Edward,  my  son, 
you'll  have  to  be  pretty  free  with  the  boys 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  33 

and  take  care  not  to  put  too  tight  a  restraint 
upon  them,'  and  I've  found  out  that  it's  so. 
It's  always  best  to  be  obliging  to  you  young 
men,  but  I'll  have  you  to  understand  that 
my  powers  of  endurance  have  a  limit.  I 
can  dismiss  the  class;  I  never  had  to  do 
such  a  thing  before,  but  if  I  see  any  more 
such  monkey-shines  as  you've  indulged  in 
this  morning,  I  vow  I'll  do  it." 

•'All  right,  I  believe,  Mr.  Captain." 
N.  B. — We  might  remark  that  after  this 
speech  an  event  happened  which  had  never 
taken  place  before  in  the  history  of  Amherst 
college.  "Old  Doc,"  actually  forgot  to 
say,  "Gentlemen,  the  men  marked  absent 
are,"  etc. 


RiCHiE^s  jokes  are  pungent  quite. 
Sometimes,  mayhap,  rather  trite; 
Richie  is  a  "  merry  wight," 
And  his  marks  are  out  of  sight. 


Student  (making  out  report  in  the 
Physics  Laboratory) — Well,  hang  it,  what 
was  the  object  of  this  experiment,  anyhow  ? 

Voice  (from  a  fellow  slave) — To  get  back 
your  $3  lab.  fee. 


34  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Richie  has  some  pretty  good  ideas  in 
his  head.  His  latest,  as  expressed  to  his 
class,  is — 

''Work  like  thunder. 
Play  like  thunder. 
Rest  like  thunder. 
Yes,  by  thunder  !  " 


THE  RIME   OF  THE  ANCIENT 
DERWALL. 

I. 

Somewhat  back  from  the  college  street 
Stands  the  "lab."     Oh,  sweet  retreat ! 
Around  its  antique,  weather-beaten  door 
The  spirits  of  tortured  sophomores  loudly 

roar, 
And  from  his  station  in  the  room 
The  ancient  Derwall  says  to  all  who  come, 
"Five  dollars  more  for  Ned,  for  Ned; 
Five  dollars  more  for  Ned  ! " 


Leaning  halfway  over  the  counter  he  stands. 
And  points  and  beckons  with  his  hands. 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  35 

Still  he  utters  this  solemn  croak 
(While  the  sophomore,  under  his  cloak, 
Pities  himself  and  sighs,  alas  ! 
I'd  give  a  fiver  to  be  elected  to  pass), 
"  You  must  not  think,  not  think, 
You  must  not  think." 


III. 

By  day  his  step  is  low  and  light, 
But  in  the  silent  dead  of  night, 
Distinct  his  passing  footsteps  fall; 
They  echo  along  the  vacant  hall — 
Along  the  ceiling,  along  the  floor 
As  he  pauses  at  the  bottle  of  H^SO^, 

"Your  process  will  stick  'em,  will  stick 
'em; 
Your  process  will  stick  'em." 

IV. 

Through  days  of  grind  and  days  of  mirth, 
Through  days  of  cuts  and  days  of  dearth, 
Through  every  swift  vicissitude 
Of  changeful  time,  unchanged  he's  stood. 
And  as  if,  forever,  he  all  things  saw. 
He  quietly  sends  these  words  of  awe: 
**  Your  mark  is  below  two,  'low  two; 
Your  mark  is  below  two." 
4 


36  AMHERST  LIFE. 

V. 

Within  that  "lab  "  in  festive  glee, 
Sports  a  tutor  from  the  faculty. 
Wild  spirits  round  the  laboratory  roared, 
While  the  "Faculty"  counted  their  hoard. 
But  like  the  skeleton  at  the  feast, 
That  warning  Derwall  never  ceased, 
"Twenty-five  I've  stuck,  I've  stuck; 
Twenty-five  I've  stuck." 

VI. 

There  groups  of  merry  seniors  played, 
There  fresh  and  juniors  carefully  strayed, 
Oh,  precious  hours!     Oh,  golden  prime  ! 
Sufficiency  of  money,  "  supe,"  and  time. 
E'en  as  a  miser  counts  his  gold. 
These  hours  the  young  Doc  carefully  told. 
"You'll  pass  very  soon,  very  soon; 
You'll  pass  very  soon." 

VII. 

We  will  all  be  scattered  soon,  and  fled; 
Some  in  prison,  some  still  under  Ned. 
When    found,    to   freshmen   we    give   this 

advice. 
If  you  want  a  "gut,"  a  "snap,"  something 

nice. 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  37 

Elect     '*  Derwall "  ;     but    as    they    hurry 

swiftly  by, 
The  ghosts  of  former  classes  make  reply  : 
"  Yes;  but  not  now,  not  now; 
Yes,  but  not  now." 


Visitor  (passing  Walker  hall,  2  p.  m.) — 
What  is  this  noise  I  hear  at  the  left  ?  The 
boys  cheering  down  at  the  football  field  ? 

Student. — Oh,  no  !  That's  the  German 
division  laughing  at  one  of  Richie's  jokes. 


OLD  DERWALL  ON  MEMORY. 

Now,  gentl'mun,  er — right  here,  now,  I'll 
r — make  a  few  remarks,  yer  know,  on — 
er — on-er-r-r — mem'ry,  yer  know.  Mem'ry 
is  a  valuable  thing  if  we — er — ta-ta — if  er — 
yer  hev  it,  yer  know,  and  don't  fergit  ! 
Now,  you  learn  a  lot  o'  things  about  this 
and  that  and  th'  other,  and  you  keep  'em 
'bout  a  day,  yer  know,  and — er-r-r-r-um- 
er-r-um-eh  !  eh  !  eh  !  and  then,  yer  know 
(here  Derwall  gets  warmed  up),  and  then — 


38  AMHERST  LIFE. 

a-a-a — yer  fergit  all-1-1  'bout  um;  yes,  all 
'bout  um.  Well  now,  gentl'mun,  thet's  not 
the  right  way;  mem'ry  is  ter  remember 
things  by,  yer  know — a-and  if — a — mm — a 
yer  fergit  all  you  ever  learn,  yer'll  never 
know  much.  You  must  learn,  gentl'mun, 
to  'sociate  one  thing  with  another  and — a- 
a-mm-a-ta-a-ta-a — m-make  an  impression 
on  your  mind,  y'  know,  then  you  wunt 
fergit. 

Now,  fer  example,  s'posin'  two  of  you 
fellers — er — were  ridin'  out  in  a  kerrige, 
well — er-a-er — say — ter — ter  Hamp  !  Yer 
— a-talkin'  'bout  this  thing  and  that — and — 
a-a  lot  of  other  nonsense,  yer  know  ! 
Don't  make  much  diff'rence,  y'  know,  and 
yer  don't  care  whether  it's  raining  up  er 
down  !  Well  now,  yer  know,  'sposin'  yer 
git  outer  the  railroad  crossin'  between  here 
and  Ha-adley,  a — mm-a-er — and — er-r-r — 
yer  know,  while  yer  a  talkin'  and  a  foolin', 
ye'  know,  the  car  comes  down  the  track-a, 
and  cleans  yer  horse  right  out  from  in  front 
of  yer,  what  then !  Do  yer  fergit  that 
right  off?  N-o-o,  sir  !  a-a-nd  if  yer  come 
back  to — a — yer  A-a-lma  Mater  fifty  years 
afterward,  yer  know,  and  ride  over  to 
Hamp,    yer'll    remember  it   just   s'f   'twas 


FACULTY  AND   COURSES.  39 

yisterday.  A-a-and — er — yer  know,  it's 
because  it  made  an  impression  on  yer,  and 
yer  'sociated  every  part  of  that  ride — a — ta 
— a — on  the  a-accident,  y'  know.  Well, 
now,  gentl'mun,  it's  exactly  the  same  way  in 
chemistry,  yer  know,  this — a-mm-a  'socia- 
tion  of  ideas  and-a  this  making  an  impres- 
sion on  yer  minds. 

Now-a,  can  someone  tell  me  quick — a- 
mm-a-a — what's — a — the  result  if  you  pour 
water  on — a  phosph'rus  (???)  quick  !  !  (And 
the  recitation  goes  on  as  before.) 


THE  SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY 
CHURCH. 


COMPULSORY  CHAPEL  ATTEND- 
ANCE. 

The  tired  Amherst  student  who  recol- 
lects the  crusade  in  which  The  Student 
embarked  a  year  or  two  ago,  may,  when  he 
reaches  this  page  of  the  "Olio,"  turn  two 
leaves  at  once  and  say  "  Rats  !  "  The 
remark  would  apply  with  much  force,  no 
doubt,  and  especially  to  the  thing  itself. 
The  unvarying  grind  to  which  we  become 
so  accustomed;  scuttling  up  the  hill,  a 
complaining  beefsteak  within;  the  race  on 
the  stairs  as  the  clock  begins  to  strike;  the 
well-worn  hymn;  the  same  old  prayer;  the 
monitors  stretching  their  necks  for  the 
absent,  and  the  sneaking  student  who  hides 
his  Potts  or  psych  behind  his  neighbor's 
back.     They  are  all  too  familiar  visions. 

But  the  most  familiar  and  significant 
thing  of  all,  as  we  review  our  short  term  of 
college  life,  is  the  vivid  emptiness  of  the 
faculty  seats.  Day  after  day  these  leaders 
of  the  blind  present  a  noble  array  of  five 


44  AMHERST  LIFE. 

good  men  and  true,  in  representation  of  a 
total  thirty !  Day  after  day  the  farce  is 
repeated;  the  morally  stimulating  lacteal 
nutriment  is  doled  out  to  four  hundred 
students  who  must  swallow  it,  while  a  mere 
committee  of  the  faculty  attend  to  see  the 
dose  administered.  The  only  variety  is  an 
occasional  communication  from  the  ath- 
letic moguls,  said  communication  being 
limited  to  five  minutes  in  length,  a  "  Library 
Talk,"  unlimited,  or  the  perennial  dog  with 
the  handkerchief  on  his  tail. 

The  attitude  of  our  faculty  on  the  subject 
is  a  fine  illustration  of  the  good  old  sopho- 
more debate  question  :  "Is  the  hope  of 
reward  a  greater  incentive  to  activity  than 
the  fear  of  punishment?"  Indeed,  we 
doubt  that  many,  even  of  the  most  regular, 
attendants  on  chapel  exercise  have  any  idea 
to  what  extent  the  teachers,  impelled  to 
be  present  only  by  the  hope  of  laying 
up  treasure  in  heaven,  cut  the  morning 
prayers.  .  .  The  view  which  every  unprej- 
udiced man  will  take  is,  no  doubt,  this  : 
Our  faculty  look  upon  compulsory  chapel 
as  a  convenience,  a  means  of  gathering  the 
students  together;  a  time  for  the  reading  of 
prayer-meeting  and  recitation  notices,  and 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     45 

possibly,  to  young  men,  a  season  of  good 
influence;  they  consider  personal  example 
and  attendance  unnecessary;  they  come 
when  they  choose,  they  stay  away  because 
they  may;  and  when  we  are  free  from  the 
burden  of  extra  work  on  account  of  extra 
absence,  we  will  do  the  same. 


A  LIGHT  VERSE  DOXOLOGY. 

Fiends  around  us, 

Fiends  below. 
All  intent  on 

Bringing  woe  ; 
Fiends  on  this  earth 

Do  their  work. 
At  compulsa- 

Tory  church. 
Fill  the  kicker's 

Mind  with  sin, 
So  that  hell  can 

Take  him  in. 
Thus  God's  house  is 

Blindly  run. 
So  the  devil's 

Work  is  done. 


46  AMHERST  LIFE. 


SATIRES   OF   AMHERST. 

BOOK    I. — SATIRE    I. 

Awake,   my  Muse,   get   out   thy  sounding 

lyre. 
And  strike  the  chords  that  in  our  hearts 

inspire 
The  sense  to  know  what's  right  and  what  is 

wrong; 
Tune  up,  O  Muse,  and  let's  begin  the  song. 
The  evils  which  beset  our  paths  are  few, 
Can  be  endured,  excepting  one  or  two; 
But  ye,  immortal  gods,  who  drain  the  cup 
Of  nectar,  and  upon  ambrosia  sup, 
These  evils  are  the  kind   that  make   men 

weep 
And  tear  their  hair  and  long   for  endless 

sleep, 
On  Martinique's  fair  isle,  where  kindly  rays 
From  glistening  Sol  the  ripe  bananas  raise, 
(Steady,    my    Muse,    such    puns    are    not 

allowed; 
Such   low-born   sporting    frets   your   spirit 

proud), 
Within  the  cluster,  tempting  to  the  eye 
The  serpent /<?r  de  lance  doth  lurking  lie; 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     47 

His  yellow  coils  by  luscious  fruit  con- 
cealed 

Are  in  no  way  unto  the  eye  revealed. 

But  there  he  waits,  the  dreadful  fer  de 
lance. 

And  let  some  hungry  passer-by  by  chance  . 

Reach  forth  his  hand — a  sudden  hiss — a 
cry — 

A  swiftly  darting  tongue — a  gleaming 
eye — 

And  'neath  the  tree  there  lies  the  passer- 
by. 

"And  why  this  story?"  some  of  you  may 

say. 
Give  heed  then  while  I  tell  you,  if  I  may. 
The  ripe  banana  bunch  doth  represent 
This  seat  of  learning,  where  each  year  are 

sent 
To    cull    its    choicest    fruits,    a    band    of 

youth — 
A   chosen    band — who    search   for    higher 

truth. 
But  Satan,  like  the  hideous /(?r  de  lance, 
Abideth  here,  and  lurking  waits  his  chance. 
Religion  here  compulsory  is  made. 
And  thus  the  plot  for  Beelzebub  is  laid. 
For  worship  to  man's  inner  soul  pertains; 


48  AMHERST  LIFE. 

If  made  compulsory  it  nothing  gains, 
But  loses  all,  and  its  own  end  defeats 
When  with  imperatives  man's  soul  it  meets. 
Love   wells  spontaneous   from   the  human 

heart, 
And  "  must  "  and  "  shall  "  therein  have  not 

a  part. 
But     to     return — this     chosen     band     of 

youth — 
These      earnest      seekers      after      higher 

truth- 
Set  out  to  church,  some  filled  with  notions 

good, 
And   some   coerced   by   fear  of   Swampy's 

rod. 
And  here  the  devil  plays  a  winning  hand. 
For,    like   the    snake    in    Martinique's   fair 

land, 
He  fastens  on  the  youths  whose  souls  rebel 
Against  compulsory  religion  fell; 
And   some  escape   and    some   go  do  down 

to — well ; 
Our  simile  is  ended;  now  we'll  cease. 
Go  home,  dear  Muse,  and  rest  and  take  thy 

ease. 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     49 


THE  SNAKE  EDITOR'S  DREAM. 

It  was  one  warm  spring  day  of  sopho- 
more year,  one  of  those  days  which  take  a 
man  away  from  his  lessons  and  carry  him 
back  to  the  time  when  he  was  young  and 
sinless,  and  had  yet  to  serve  his  time  in 
preparatory  school  and  college.  I  was 
leaning  back  in  my  chair  with  a  half-smoked 
cigarette  in  my  teeth,  and  the  blue  coils  of 
smoke  with  their  strange  fantastic  shapes 
brought  before  my  mind  free  and  happy 
boyhood  days,  where  compulsory  church 
and  Tip  Ty  were  alike  unknown,  and  where 
the  Westminster  Shorter  Catechism  was 
my  only  trial.  Such  thoughts  were  so  hazy 
and  so  indistinct  that  I  rested  my  head 
wearily  against  the  wall  and  wept  at  the 
changes  which  time  had  wrought. 

As  I  leaned  there  in  despair  a  film  seemed 
to  come  over  my  eyes,  even  such  a  film  as 
Paine's  Celery  Compound  is  guaranteed  to 
remove.  The  cigarette  suddenly  assumed 
such  colossal  proportions  that  my  cowed 
and  beaten  spirit  drew  back  in  terror 
against  the  wall.     Then  it  began  slowly  to 


50  AMHERST  LIFE. 

change.  Little  by  little  arms,  legs,  and 
a  tail  appeared,  and  in  a  moment  there 
stood  before  me  a  nicotine  representative 
of  the  devil.  At  last  the  truth  burst  upon 
me.  I  was  dreaming !  For  weeks  and 
months  I  had  striven  to  dream.  I  had 
eaten  pickles  and  green  fruit  and  washed 
them  down  with  the  vilest  of  lager  in  the 
vain  hope  that  I  might  dream  something 
for  the  "Olio,"  but  my  toils  had  all  been 
in  vain.  I  had  even  boarded  at  Merrick's 
to  accomplish  my  purpose,  but  it  was  of  no 
avail.  And  now,  at  last,  when  I  had  almost 
given  up  the  struggle,  success  had  come. 
I  could  scarcely  conceal  my  joy.  I  felt 
like  grasping  the  specter  by  the  hand  and 
thanking  him  for  his  welcome  visit,  when 
he  interrupted  my  joyful  thoughts  with 
a  solemn  beckoning.  Without  uttering  a 
word  I  followed  him.  Soon  we  came  to 
the  bank  of  a  surging  stream,  where  a  for- 
bidding-looking fisherman  with  dark  hair 
and  beard  was  standing  in  his  skiff  ready 
to  ferry  us  across.  When  my  companion 
with  the  nicotine  visage  addressed  him  as 
Mr.  Charon,  my  heart  leaped  with  joy. 
Ha  !  ha  !  This  was  even  better  than  I  had 
anticipated.     I  was  going  to  visit  the  devil. 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     5^ 

I  would  get  a  chance  to  interview  him;  to 
interview  him  for  the  "Olio"!  In  a  short 
time  we  landed  on  the  other  bank  and  a 
mighty  wind  lifted  us  and  bore  us  away. 
In  time  this  wind  carried  us  against  a  dark 
mountain,  and  before  the  wand  of  my 
strange  guide  the  sides  of  the  mountain 
opened  and  disclosed  a  wondrous  country. 

In  silence  I  followed  my  companion,  who 
walked  briskly  up  to  a  brazen  gate,  dropped 
an  obol  in  the  slot,  and  a  three-headed  dog 
came  forth  wagging  his  tail  with  a  sicken- 
ing irregular  motion  that  showed  an  utter 
lack  of  team  work.  Nimbly  we  sprang  in. 
I  had  hardly  entered  when  I  tripped  over 
the  tail  of  an  imp  whom  I  afterward  found 
to  be  quarter-back  on  the  All-Hell  football 
team.  As  I  picked  myself  up  and  spit  the 
brimstone  out  of  my  mouth,  I  said  in  broken 
tones  to  my  companion:  "Well,  this /V  hell." 
"Of  course,"  he  replied;  "you  ought  to 
have  known  that  from  Cerby."  Amid  the 
shrieks  and  groans  of  millions  of  people  I 
was  borne  away  to  meet  "  His  Satanic  Tail- 
ship."  "What  have  we  here?"  shouted 
the  devil.  "A  student,  most  respectful 
joblots,"  humbly  responded  my  guide.  "A 
student !  What  does  he  want  ?  "  asked  the 
5 


52  AMHERST  LIFE. 

devil.  "Is  he  dreaming  ?  "  **  He  is,  Most 
Potent  Wearer  of  the  Crooked  Hoof," 
again  replied  my  companion.  "Ha!  ha! 
He  dreams,  does  he  ?  Answer  me,  young 
man,  answer  me  truly,  are  you  intending  to 
write  up  this  dream  for  publication  ? "  For 
a  moment  my  courage  forsook  me.  For  a 
moment  I  hovered  between  the  right  and 
wrong,  but  only  for  a  moment;  then  my  train- 
ing in  swearing  off  cuts  got  in  its  fine  work, 
and  I  promptly  answered  "No."  This  satis- 
fied the  devil  and  he  told  me  to  step  aside. 
Hardly  had  I  vacated  my  place  when 
Beelzebub,  with  the  rest  of  the  football 
team,  came  in  with  a  new  corpse.  As  soon 
as  he  had  got  within  hearing  distance, 
Beelzebub  shouted  out  at  the  top  of  his 
voice:  "  A  college  professor  !  "  The  devil 
actually  went  wild.  He  wrapped  his  cloven 
hoof  around  his  neck  three  times  in  a  long, 
loving  embrace.  Then  he  jumped  down 
from  his  throne  and  began  to  prepare  the 
skillet.  "Throw  him  in!"  he  yelled. 
"Roast  him!  Extract  his  fourth  root! 
Cut  off  the  cologarithm  of  his  cosine ! 
Season  him  with  Jebbs  and  Potts!  Grab 
his  femur,  Beelzy,  and  run  down  the  Mid- 
way with  it.     Ha  !    ha  !    ha  !    This  is  fruit ! 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     53 

This  is  regular  cantaloupe  !  "  His  frenzy 
was  awful.  Great  beads  of  brimstone  stood 
upon  his  brow,  and  his  tail  described  un- 
plotable  parabolic  curves. 

I  hated  to  tarry  in  proximity  to  such  a 
demon,  yet  I  disliked  to  leave  without 
securing  my  interview.  As  soon  as  the 
devil  had  recovered  from  his  first  wild 
paroxysms  I  plucked  him  by  the  sleeve. 
**  Say,  Satan,  old  girl,  do  you  believe  in 
compulsory  church  ? " 

''Believe  in  it!"  he  howled.  "Believe 
in  it!  Why,  young  man,  it's  the  only  sys- 
tem. Who  wants  to  abolish  it  but  cranks 
and  fools  ?  I'll  have  nothing  left  by  and 
by.  They've  done  away  with  the  fagot 
and  the  stocks,  and  they've  succeeded  in 
abolishing  slavery,  but  I've  got  the  saloon 
and  compulsory  church  left,  and  I  defy 
them  to  knock  out  either  of  them.  Away 
with  this  opponent  of  compulsory  church  ! 
Away  with  him,Cigaretto !  "  My  companion 
grabbed  me  by  the  leg.  His  hand  burned 
like  fire,  and  I  awoke  to  find  my  cigarette 
complacently  burning  a  hole  in  my  only 
pair  of  trousers. 

[Let  no  Joseph  endeavor  to  interpret  this 
dream.] 


54  AMHERST  LIFE. 


HISTORY  OF  THE  SENATE  TO  1887. 

Since  the  days  of  the  renowned  Dr. 
Thomas  Arnold  of  Rugby^  student  self- 
government  has  been  the  Utopian  dream  of 
college  presidents,  of  whom  none  more  than 
President  Seelye  of  Amherst  saw  the  desir- 
ability of  the  system,  and  none  sooner  than 
he  sought  to  put  it  into  execution.  About 
five  years  ago  this  cherished  idea  took 
definite  form,  when  the  body  now  known  as 
the  "Amherst  College  Senate"  was  organ- 
ized, upon  the  same  general  plan  which 
determines  its  existence  to-day. 

At  first,  the  senate  was  of  little  or  no 
use.  It  being  an  experiment,  the  presi- 
dent's policy  was  very  conservative.  He 
gave  it  no  defined  powers;  he  reserved  the 
right  to  introduce  all  business;  he  retained 
the  power  of  absolute  veto.  But  little 
business  was  transacted.  The  usual  pro- 
ceedings were  a  speech  from  the  President, 
congratulating  himself  and  the  senators 
that  the  present  affairs  of  the  college  were 
in  such  an  excellent  condition  as  to  require 
no    legislation    or    adjudication,    followed 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     55 

by  adjournment.  When  any  business  was 
transacted,  it  was  of  such  slight  significance 
that  it  never  reached  the  ear  of  the  student 
body  politic.  The  result  of  this  tentative 
policy  of  the  president  was  to  bring  the  sen- 
ate into  disrepute.  If  spoken  of  at  all,  it  was 
spoken  of  with  a  sneer  or  a  j  est.  It  was  called 
"a  farce,"  or  "a  cat's  paw  of  the  faculty," 
or  some  similar  contemptuous  epithet. 

After  three  years  of  such  existence,  a 
sentiment  was  formed  in  college  that  the 
senate  was  of  no  use  to  the  students,  how- 
ever valuable  it  might  be  to  the  faculty  and 
the  college  president;  that  the  senate  must 
do  something,  or  do  away  with  the  pretense 
of  self-government. 

In  this  crisis  a  constitution  of  defined 
power  was  demanded  of  the  president.  He 
was  not  disposed  to  grant  it.  He  desired 
the  constitution  to  form  like  the  English 
constitution — by  the  precedence  of  its  acts. 
The  senators  preferred  the  United  States 
plan,  thinking  it  better  adapted  to  the  cir- 
cumstances. At  length  a  constitution  was 
obtained.  It  did  not  embody  all  that  the 
senators  desired,  but  it  was,  at  least,  a  step 
out  of  non-existence  into  existence.  How- 
ever few  and  limited  the  powers  obtained, 


$6  AMHERST  LIFE. 

they  were  at  least  defined,  and  not  subject 
to  variance  by  circumstance  and  arbitrary 
will.  The  senate  revived,  became  a  much 
more  respected  body,  and  entered  on  a 
career  that  may  end  in  usefulness.  But  it 
is  still  a  weakly  institution.  It  has  scarcely 
enough  power  to  give  it  a  sufficient  vitality 
to  live,  much  less  to  make  itself  felt  in  the 
regulation  of  college  affairs.  It  may  have 
all  the  power  which  at  present  can  be  given 
it  judiciously;  but  to  say  that  it  is  a  realiza- 
tion of  the  idea  of  student  self-government, 
is  to  speak  absurdly.  What  the  senate 
needs  is  a  greater  latitude  of  jurisdiction, 
as  well  as  more  definiteness  of  power. 


THE  SENATE'S  WITHDRAWAL. 

The  dispute  between  the  senate  and  the 
faculty  which  resulted  in  the  withdrawal  of 
the  senators  by  the  students  in  1894  brought 
out  in  all  the  student  publications  of  the 
college  many  articles  and  communications; 
all  of  which  were  of  interest,  and  many  of 
them  wittily  written.  Most  of  these,  how- 
ever, dealt  more  or  less  in  personalities  and 
would  be  out  of  place  in  any  but  a  regular 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     57 

publication  of  the  college.  The  following 
communication  to  the  Student  sums  up, 
without  details,  one  view  from  an  alumnus: 
**  It  is  fortunate  that  the  present  discus- 
sion between  the  faculty  and  the  senate  of 
Amherst  college  has  been  made  public. 
We  now  have  before  us  the  several  com- 
munications that  have  passed  between  the 
two  bodies.  Both  the  faculty  and  the 
senate  agree  upon  the  circumstances  in- 
volved and  the  punishment  given.  A  dif- 
ference of  opinion  exists  as  to  what  body 
ought  to  have  decreed  the  penalty.  .  . 
After  all,  it  is  the  welfare  of  Amherst  col- 
lege that  both  faculty  and  senate  must  keep 
in  mind.  Co-operation  of  the  two  bodies  is 
the  key  to  their  successful  work.  If  the 
senate  did  have  a  cause  of  grievance  against 
the  faculty,  it  ought  to  have  been  stated  on 
other  than  purely  technical  grounds.  At 
the  same  time,  this  does  not  excuse  the 
faculty  from  not  entertaining  more  favor- 
ably the  senate's  request.  .  .  The  Amherst 
senate  is  already  famous  within  college 
halls,  and  for  the  students  to  demand  or 
even  think  of  its  discontinuance  is  both 
hasty  and  unwise.  The  senate  should  hold 
a  most  important  position  in  the  Amherst 


58  AMHERST  LIFE. 

idea   of    self-government.      It    should    be 
respected  by  both   faculty  and   students." 

THE    senate's   position. 

From  an  Almunus  Address  at  Springfield. 

The  cutting  system  and  the  senate  are 
but  milestones  along  the  course  of  giving 
the  students  a  larger  liberty.  The  student 
is  on  his  honor  as  a  gentleman,  and  may  do 
anything  under  the  sun  consistent  with  that 
character.  The  idea  is  to  make  the  student 
not  only  the  governed  but  the  governor. 
The  old  students  thought  it  meant  to  break 
the  rules,  but  given  a  part  in  the  govern- 
ment they  were  bound  to  respect  the  laws 
which  they  themselves  had  made.  The 
result  was  the  decline  and  fall  of  hazing  and 
the  almost  complete  extinction  of  rowdy- 
ism. .  .  Amherst,  that  dear  old  College, 
so  modest  in  all  her  pretensions,  has  shown 
to  the  world  the  possibility  and  the  proba- 
bility of  a  self-governing  college  community. 
Many  colleges  have  followed  her  example. 
Shall  that  example  now  fail  in  the  hour  of 
its  birth  ?  Shall  all  that  is  unique  and 
original  in  the  system  be  swept  away  ?  I 
hope  not.     I  express  the  confidence  of  the 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     59 

alumni  in  the  common  sense  and  wisdom  of 
the  senate  and  faculty  to  preserve  the  sys- 
tem, although  for  years  the  senate  has  been 
the  legitimate  prey  of  the  Olio^  the  target 
for  the  shaft  of  adverse  criticism  by  some 
students,  and  cherish  the  hope  that  thfe 
senate  will  stand  as  long  as  Amherst  college 
stands,  the  queen  of  the  hills  *'  on  the  banks 
of  the  old  freshman." 

From  the  Report  of  the  Senior  Class. 

The  acts  of  the  faculty  reduce  the  senate 
from  the  position  of  a  governing  body  co- 
ordinate with  the  faculty,  and  acting  in  a 
sphere  different  in  kind  from  that  of  the 
faculty,  to  a  subordinate  position  having 
such  a  share  in  the  government  of  the  col- 
lege as  the  faculty  may  see  fit  to  give. 
Such  a  subjection  of  the  senate  is  incon- 
sistent with  its  independent  action.  We 
believe  in  the  Amherst  system  as  it  really 
is,  but  the  subordination  of  the  contract 
relation  and  of  the  senate  has  undermined 
that  system.  Responsibility  for  student 
conduct  is  lifted  from  the  students  them- 
selves, where  the  Amherst  system  placed  it, 
and  assumed,  in  part  at  least,  by  the  faculty, 


6o  AMHERST  LIFE. 

who  Stand  once  more  in  loco  parentis  to  the 
students. 

It  remains,  then,  for  the  students  to 
decide  if  they  will  acquiesce  in  the  estab- 
lishment of  a  new  Amherst  system  and 
give  it  their  support.  Our  unanimous 
opinion  is  that  it  would  not  be  for  the  best 
interests  of  the  college  to  do  so.  The 
senate  is  not  an  end  in  itself;  it  exists  only 
as  a  means  for  securing  good  student  gov- 
ernment, and  however  much  it  may  have 
contributed  to  Amherst's  reputation  in  the 
past,  it  should  be  maintained  only  so  long 
as  it  is  useful  for  good  student  government. 
We  believe  that  the  senate  system  which 
would  be  established  by  this  precedent 
would  be  of  little  usefulness  as  a  governing 
body  and  would  not  secure  the  respect  and 
co-operation  of  the  students.  The  question 
is  one  which  concerns  the  entire  body  of 
undergraduates  and  should  be  decided  by 
them. 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     6l 


A  NEW  "IN  LOCO  PARENTIS"  IDEA. 

There  is  a  young  maid  of  Amherst, 
My  grandfather  went  with  her  first, 

Soon  after  my  pater. 

And  now  I  myself  later. 
Will  have  her  if  worst  comes  to  worst. 


DEDICATION  OF  THE  '89  OLIO. 

As  the  greatest  orator  of  his  age  has  so 
well  and  fitly  spoken  (if  we  may  be  per- 
mitted to  borrow  from  the  store  of  his  elo- 
quence), 

We  would  dedicate  this  production  to 
Cromwell ;  but  Cromwell  was  only  a  soldier. 
We  would  dedicate  it  to  Napoleon;  but  Na- 
poleon made  his  way  to  empire  over  broken 
oaths  and  through  a  sea  of  blood.  We  would 
dedicate  it  to  the  Father  of  his  country; 
but  the  great  Virginian  held  slaves. 

Therefore  we  dedicate  it  to  the  most  per- 
fect of  all  human  organizations, 

OUR    COLLEGE    SENATE, 

For  it  never  does  anything  at  all. 


62  AMHERST  LIFE. 

THE  MAIDEN  AND  HER  FRIEND. 

(  With  no  especial  reference  to  anybody^ 

Once  on  a  time  there  lived  a  maid, 
A  maid  with  noble  fame; 
Who  dwelt  within  old  Amherst's  walls, 
And  she  was  a  beaut,  I  can  tell  you,  and 
everybody  was  dead  stuck  on  her  shape, 
and  Freedom  was  her  name. 

Now  Freedom  had  a  trusty  friend — 
At  least  she  thought  him  true — 
But  subsequent  proceedings  seemed 
To  prove  pretty  conclusively  to  Freedom, 

anyway,  that  you  can't  most  always  tell 

just  what  a  friend  will  do. 

For  when  her  friend  found  out  that  she 
Could  easily  be  bossed. 
He  took  her  business  for  his  own. 
And'  pretty  soon   Freedom   began   to   get 
onto  the  fact  that  her  fame,  name,  and 
everything    else    was    most    completely 
lost. 


SENATE  AND  COMPULSORY  CHURCH.     63 

She  found  her  power  all  was  gone, 

Her  blessings  at  an  end; 

And  when  she  came  to  figure  up, 
She  allowed  that  if  anybody  was  responsi- 
ble for  her  loss  of  dignity  and  honor,  it 
was  probably  that  same  old  friend. 

Now,  you  may  read  between  the  lines. 

And  think  you  read  it  well; 

But  you  must  do  it  for  yourselves, 
And  you  needn't  think  we're  going  to  get 
ourselves  into  trouble  by  explaining  the 
meaning  of  this  poem,  for  we  aren't; 
we're  too  cooney,  and  we  don't  intend 
to  tell. 


AMHERST  TYPES    AND    SCENES. 


A  MATIN  IDYL. 

When  the  shades  of  night  are  fading, 
And  the  day  begins  to  dawn, 

When  rests  the  tired  student. 
With  lessons  weary  and  worn, 

Then  comes  upon  the  morning  air 

A  hideous  pealing  knell, 
And,  with  a  curse,  the  student  mutters, 

"It  is  the  chapel  bell." 

Then  he  rises  wearily  from  bed, 
And  hastes  his  clothes  to  don; 

And  ever,  as  he  dresses, 
The  cursed  bell  rings  on. 

Soon  he  seizes  book  and  pencil, 

Hat  and  overcoat  as  well, 
And  waltzes  off  to  breakfast, 

To  the  tune  of  the  chapel  bell. 

Scarce  the  doughty  steak  is  tasted. 
Scarce  the  coffee,  sad  to  tell, 
67 


68  AMHERST  LIFE. 

When,  with  hasty  stroke,   ''Four  minutes 
more," 
Peals  out  the  chapel  bell. 

Out  of  the  house  he  rushes, 

With  wild  and  frantic  gait, 
But  three  rapid  strokes  from  the  tower  cry 
out, 

**Too  late,  old  man,  too  late  !  " 

He  slowly  turns  around  and  says, 

*'  What  a  luckless  dog  I  am," 
And  then  in  sad  despairing  tone, 

"  It  is  the  seventeenth,  oh !  " 


UBI   SUNT,    O   POCULA! 

No  more  is  heard  the  joke  and  song 
Which  did  the  midnight  hours  prolong; 
No  more  doth  fragrant  steam  arise 
From  ham  and  eggs  or  chicken  pies; 
No  more  we  quaff  our  lemonade 
And  wink  at  Kate  the  waiter  maid; 
No  more  we  hang  up  heavy  scores, 
Since  Frank  Wood  closed  to  us  his  doors. 


AMHERST    TYPES  AND   SCENES.        69 


THE   ANNUAL    PICTURE   RUSH. 

CHAPTER    I. 

It  is  a  beautiful  October  day.  The  light 
is  perfect  for  fixing  the  beauties  of  Walker 
hall  and  the  faces  of  Amherst's  latest 
accessions  on  the  plate  of  Pach's  camera. 

Promptly  at  2.45  p.  m.  the  sinuous  oper- 
ator ambles  to  the  spot,  sets  his  tripod, 
limbers  his  camera,  and  casts  a  professional 
but  contemptous  glance  at  the  motley  crowd 
on  the  steps.  Some  weak  attempts  at 
grouping  have  been  made,  but  the  artist's 
practiced  eye  quickly  notes  faults.  He  is 
hampered  in  his  re-arrangement  by  ignor- 
ance of  names.  A  good-natured  shout 
greets  him,  as  in  mild  and  trade-beseeching 
accents  he  asks,  '*  Will  that  gentleman  with 
the  intelligent-looking  face  please  come 
forward  ? "  The  youth  referred  to  blush- 
ingly  advances,  while  the  sickly  smiles  of  a 
few  show  that  they  acknowledge  the  grind 
on  the  rest  of  the  class,  *'  Will  that  very 
young-looking  gentleman  sit  next  the  man 
who  is  trying  to  raise  a  mustache  ?  "  brings 
two   startled    freshmen    into   prominence. 


7©  AMHERST  LIFE. 

The  group  is  completed,  and  the  camera 
set  up.  At  this  juncture  a  few  canes  and 
brush-sticks  are  stealthily  produced  from 
behind  some  of  the  stouter  men,  and 
accorded  prominent  places. 

CHAPTER   II. 

Meanwhile  a  different  scene  is  occurring 
in  the  French  room.  It  is  nearly  tinie  to 
dismiss  the  prize  division.  The  com- 
motion of  the  odious  atmosphere  made 
by  the  vigorous  applause  at  an  unusually 
daring  recitation  leads  someone  to  open 
the  window.  The  freshmen  and  their 
canes  catch  his  eye.  He  shouts  to  the 
division,  who  raise  the  class  yell,  and  bolt 
without  listening  to  the  announcement  of 
**  Ten  lines  in  advance." 

CHAPTER    III. 

At  the  chapel  a  moment's  stop  is  made, 
and  a  hurried  consultation  ensues.  Run- 
ners are  dispatched  to  the  various  tennis 
courts,  and  then  the  main  body  moves  rap- 
idly toward  Walker  hall.  The  freshmen 
sit  motionless,  for  the  operator  is  about  to 
lift  the  cap  ;  but  how  they  wish  he  would 
hurry,  and  let  them  stir  !     But  he  too  has 


AMHERST  TYPES  AND   SCENES.        7^ 

seen  the  advancing  mob,  and,  overcome 
by  terror,  quickly  takes  the  advice  of  a 
thoughtful  sophomore,  and  removes  his 
apparatus  from  the  cyclone's  path. 

The  sophs  break  for  the  center  of  the 
group,  and  the  half-dazed  freshmen  begin 
to  make  a  few  attempts  at  defense.  The 
more  cool  and  careful  step  inside  the  build- 
ing, deliberately  take  off  coats  and  hats,  and 
return  to  the  fray;  the  more  impetuous 
hand  their  hats  to  some  of  the  juniors  who 
have  begun  to  gather,  and  sail  in. 

Who  can  describe  a  lively  rush  ?  There  is 
the  pushing,  breathless  mass  in  the  center, 
from  which  some  of  the  stronger  and  more 
ambitious  are  slinging  off  men,  one  by  one, 
in  their  own  efforts  to  get  at  the  cane;  the 
struggling  victims  in  the  middle,  who  would 
give  millions  for  a  free  breath;  the  wounded 
on  the  ground;  and  on  the  outskirts  the 
squads  of  more  heated  partisans,  who  are 
anxious  to  settle  the  matter  by  a  single 
knock-down  encounter.  All  must  be  seen 
to  be  appreciated. 

Are  the  whole  class  engaged  ?  Oh,  no  ! 
a  few  stand  hesitant  on  the  steps,  wonder- 
ing if  such  a  struggle  can  come  under  Doc's 
definition   of  self-defense,    or    whether    it 


72  AMHERST  LIFE. 

would  break  that  contract^  and  end  their  col- 
lege career  should  they  indulge. 

The  sophomores  get  the  cane,  break  it  up, 
and  the  recipients  start  off  with  their  tro- 
phies, pursued  by  the  gamy  freshmen. 
One  is  downed;  and  the  fight  begins  again, 
but  is  short  lived.  Another  cane  appears, 
and  the  contestants  surge  toward  the  gym. 

Thence  a  well-known  figure  emerges, 
bearing  those  symbols  of  authority,  the 
black  book  and  the  fez.  Doc  scornfully 
looks  on  until  the  din  subsides,  then  brings 
the  book  down  vigorously  on  his  palm,  A 
sharp  crack  is  heard,  and  a  shrill  voice 
pierces  the  air,  "Young  gentlemen,  dis- 
perse to  your  rooms  !  Juniors,  that  applies 
to  you  as  well  ! "  The  ringing  laugh  that 
follows  brings  another  burst  of  ire  ;  and 
with  "  I  am  not  a  constable,  but  you  had 
better  move  on,  or  take  the  consequences," 
the  kindly  doctor  loses  breath,  and  retires. 
The  classes,  preferring  movement  to  the 
consequences,  separate,  and  glide  away. 

The  sophs  have  exchanged  hats,  books, 
and  raiment  for  glory  and  inch  fragments  of 
a  twenty-five  cent  cane  ;  and  the  freshmen 
depart  in  a  battered  condition  without  a 
picture. 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND   SCENES.        73 

And  where  is  Pach  ?  His  manly  feelings 
have  been  outraged.  His  dignity  has 
suffered  the  severest  insult  of  all  his  experi- 
ence with  numerous  college  classes;  but,  as 
his  instruments  are  unhurt,  he  bottles  his 
wrath,  folds  up  his  tent  like  the  Arab,  and 
as  silently  steals  to  the  train  for  New  York. 


THE   PLUGGER. 

Who  sits  from  morn  till  late  at  night 

His  eye  upon  the  page. 
And  squanders  youth  and  social  grace 

To  gain  in  knowledge  age  ? — 

The  plugger. 

Who  stands  so  pale  before  his  class 

And  pulls  a  glorious  four, 
And  when  exams,  send  havoc  round 

Is  first  to  leave  the  floor  ?  — 

The  plugger. 

Who  prides  himself  upon  a  key 
Which  points  to  brain  alone, 

And,  culture's  pygmy,  mounts  at  last 
The  learned  commencement  throne  ?- 
The  plugger. 


74  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Who  makes  for  life  and  all  its  joys 

A  mere  existence  do, 
And  leaves  the  world  no  heritage  ? 

'Tis  sad  to  tell,  but  true — 

The  plugger. 


MINISTERING  ANGELS. 

There  are  at  least  five  toilers  connected 
with  this  noble  institution  whose  value  is 
grossly  underestimated.  I  refer  to  the  five 
daughters  of  Erin,  whose  duty  it  is  to  effect 
the  weekly  sweeping  of  the  dormitories. 
They  are  no  common  drudges;  the  study  of 
their  methods  is  an  inspiring  lesson  on  the 
amount  of  interest  and  even  attraction  that 
can  be  found  in  the  meanest  toil  merely  by 
absorbing  mind  and  heart  in  the  work. 
The  quantity  of  ingenuity  they  display  in 
the  apparently  simple  process  of  sweeping 
would  do  to  invent  a  flying  machine. 

I  will  back  this  statement  by  proof.  For 
example:  They  invade  a  room  that  is  ap- 
parently spotless,  make  a  few  passes  with  a 
broom,  and  behold  a  bushel  and  a  half  of 
dirt!  Where  they  get  it  I  cannot  tell. 
Unless  we  accuse  them  of  familiarity  with 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND   SCENES.        75 

the  black  art,  we  must  admit  either  that 
they  brought  it  with  them,  or  that  it  was 
there  before.  In  either  case  their  genius  is 
quite  bewildering. 

Further  illustrations:  Having  collected 
said  quantity  of  dirt,  they  scatter  part  of  if 
on  your  desk,  a  larger  part  in  little  fuzzy 
rolls  about  the  floor,  and  deposit  the  rest 
behind  the  piano.  The  top  of  the  piano, 
by  the  way,  they  make  a  repository  for 
umbrellas,  overshoes,  base  ball  bats,  and 
other  equally  appropriate  articles.  They 
marshal!  your  rugs  in  battalion  line  from 
your  door  to  nowhere.  They  arrange  the 
Japanese  screen  so  that  it  will  hide  the 
bookshelves  instead  of  the  set-bowl,  and 
they  never  fail  to  swap  your  desk  chair  for 
your  chum's. 

These  inspiring  creatures  not  only  put 
thought  into  their  work,  but  take  keen 
delight  in  it,  as  may  be  seen  from  the 
following. 

If  you  like  to  keep  your  slippers  in  the 
waste  basket,  where  they'll  be  handy,  the 
women  dump  them  out  with  the  paper,  and 
hurry  old  Charlie  downstairs  with  them. 
They  do  this  so  that  you  will  have  to  spend 
the  rest  of    the    morning    in   sub-chapel, 


76  AMHERST  LIFE. 

rooting  through  seventeen  old  rubbish 
barrels. 

In  your  bedroom  they  show  a  fertility  of 
resource  that  leaves  Odysseus  a  simpleton 
in  comparison.  They  pile  all  the  clothes 
they  can  find  on  a  single  chair,  and  then 
put  something  heavy  on  top  of  them,  so  as 
to  muss  them  as  much  as  possible.  They 
drop  your  razor  strop  over  behind  the 
bureau,  or  somewhere  where  they  think  you 
won't  find  it.  They  hide  one  shoe  in  the 
bed  clothes,  and  throw  the  other  as  far 
under  the  bed  as  the  wall  will  permit,  so 
that  you  will  have  to  get  down  on  your 
stomach,  and  wave  madly  after  it  with  your 
cane,  and  swear. 

When  they  get  through  with  your  floor, 
if  they  find  out  that  you  are  studying  and 
want  quiet,  they  detail  one  of  their  number 
to  stand  at  the  head  of  the  stairs  and  slide 
the  brooms,  dust  pans,  mops,  etc.,  down 
one  by  one,  to  the  bottom.  They  do  this 
with  great  glee,  for  they  know  it  will  make 
you  think  things  you'll  be  sorry  for  after- 
ward. 

Sometimes  they  scrub  the  hall  floor. 
This  is  a  good  deal  of  work,  but  they  like 
to  do  it,  for  they  have  discovered  an  odor- 


AMHERST  TYPES  AND   SCENES.        77 

iferous  washing-powder  that  discounts  any 
laboratory  on  the  market.  It  delights  them 
to  think  that  the  sickening  taint  will  linger 
about  the  halls  for  a  week. 

I  have  just  mounted  those  three  weary 
climbs  (what  bungling  idiot  ever  named, 
them  flights  ?)  of  stairs,  and  have  seen  two 
of  these  calico-vested  fairies  sitting  on  the 
steps  and  flirting  with  old  Professor  Charlie. 
Innocents  !  May  they  be  forgiven !  As  for 
us — may  the  saints  preserve  us ! 


TO   THE  PHARISEE. 

In  our  quiet  modest  way, 

To  you  we'd  like  to  say 
That  your  trick  of  smiling  broadly  in  the 
class. 

When  others  make  mistakes, 

Or  some  very  harmless  breaks. 
Makes  you  like  unto  a  most  consummate  ass. 

And  the  way  you  shake  your  head, 

When  anything  is  said 
That  does  not  suit  your  own  precise  idea, 

When  so  very  oft  repeated, 

Makes  one  think  you  quite  conceited, 


78  AMHERST  LIFE. 

At  least,  'tis  so  to  me  it  does  appear. 
We  do  not  doubt  your  knowledge, 
You're  the  pride  of  all  the  College, 
But  this  very  fault  has  won  you  many 
foe; 
So  if  you  less  will  do  it, 
Or,  still  better,  quite  eschew  it, 
You'll  do  much  to  gratify 

The  Olio. 


THE    AMHERST    FIRE    DEPART- 
MENT. 

The  small  muckers  finally  succeeded  in 
rousing  up  the  different  members  of  the  fire 
brigade,  and  they  gathered  slowly  about 
the  post-office  steps.  After  talking  for  a 
short  time  in  subdued  tones,  one  of  the 
older  and  more  intrepid  members  mustered 
courage  to  inquire,  "Where  is  it?"  No 
one  appeared  to  know,  and  finally  two  or 
three  of  the  more  active  and  headstrong  of 
the  brigade,  in  spite  of  the  solemn  warn- 
ings of  their  elders  not  to  precipitate 
matters,  started  to  walk  up  to  college  hill 
in  order  to  get  a  view  of  the  surrounding 
country,    and,    possibly,    to    discover    the 


AMHERST  TYPES  AND   SCENES.        79 

whereabouts  of  the  fire,  since  there  seemed 
to  be  no  way  of  avoiding  the  conclusion 
that  there  really  was  a  fire  somewhere. 
They  were  spared  this  trouble,  however, 
by  meeting  a  small  boy,  who  told  them 
the  fire  was  at  South  Amherst,  and  they 
returned  to  the  expectant  group  at  the 
post-office. 

After  mature  deliberation  to  decide 
whether  the  aforesaid  S.  B.'s  witness  should 
be  admitted  or  not,  it  was  voted  by  a  small 
majority  to  get  out  the  engine,  and  several 
started  for  the  engine  house.  After  mov- 
ing a  wagon,  three  ladders,  and  a  worn-out 
hose  carriage,  they  got  the  doors  open. 
Here  they  found  that  someone  had  stored 
a  score  or  two  of  empty  barrels  and  several 
dozen  dry-goods  boxes  in  front  of  the 
engine,  but  the  boys  were  getting  excited 
now,  and  in  twenty  minutes  these  were  all 
removed  and  the  engine  drawn  out. 

Then  ensued  a  violent  discussion  as  to 
whether  they  should  draw  it  by  hand  or  use 
horses.  The  advocates  of  horse-power 
finally  prevailed,  and  two  pairs  were  sent 
for.  On  their  arrival,  however,  it  was  de- 
cided that  one  pair  was  sufficient,  and  the 
second  pair  was  sent  back. 


8o  AMHERST  LIFE. 

The  next  difficulty  was  as  to  how  they 
should  ride,  but,  at  last,  having  disposed  of 
themselves  on  various  parts  of  the  machine, 
they  started  off  amid  the  cheers  of  the 
muckers  and  the  admiring  gaze  of  the  town 
fems.  Suddenly  came  a  halt.  Several 
members  of  the  department  were  seen  to 
hold  a  somewhat  hurried  consultation. 
There  followed  a  few  moments  of  suspense. 
Then  it  became  noised  about  among  the 
anxious  throng  who  were  watching  their 
movements,  that  the  department  had  for- 
gotten their  rubber  overcoats. 

The  excitement  was  getting  tremendous 
now,  and  it  did  not  take  long  to  decide  that 
they  must  have  their  coats,  and  to  send 
the  ever  ready  muckers  after  them.  The 
coats  were  brought  and  donned.  Then 
they  started  again,  the  town  maidens  keep- 
ing a  little  way  ahead  on  the  sidewalk  and 
looking  back  with  mingled  awe  and  venera- 
tion on  the  advancing  cavalcade. 

On  reaching  the  foot  of  college  hill,  it 
was  decided  that  all  four  horses  were  none 
too  many,  and  the  second  pair  was  sent 
for.  After  an  extra  trip  to  get  splices  for 
the  reins,  these  were  attached  to  the  first 
pair,  and  again  the  procession  moved  on. 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND  SCENES.        8l 

When  at  length  the  summit  of  college 
hill  was  reached  and  they  actually  caught 
sight  of  the  flames,  they  gave  a  yell,  in 
comparison  with  which  the  Eighty-four  howl 
became  a  melodious  undertone,  and  tore 
down  the  hill  at  a  marvelous  rate  of  speed. , 
One  of  the  horses  gave  out  on  reaching 
freshman  river,  but  was  quickly  rolled  out 
of  the  way  and  they  dashed  madly  on. 

At  length  the  scene  of  desolation  was 
reached,  but  they  were  too  late — the  fire 
was  out,  and  after  going  into  the  neighbor- 
ing houses  to  get  warm,  they  returned  home 
to  receive  the  well-earned  plaudits  of  their 
fellow-citizens. 

It  would  seem  as  if  the  glory  thus  acquired 
were  sufficient  for  ordinary  mortals,  but  our 
gallant  fire  brigade  were  soon  to  add  new 
luster  to  the  crown  already  won. 

It  was  a  calm  Sabbath  evening,  and  not  a 
sound  disturbed  the  sacred  stillness  of  the 
hour,  when  again  there  rang  out  upon  the 
startled  air  of  the  cry  of  fire.  The  firemen, 
ever  on  the  alert,  gathered  in  hot  haste. 
They  could  see  all  too  plainly  the  bright 
tongues  of  flame  sweeping  upward  in  the 
northern  skies,  until  they  reached  the  stars 
and  fired  the  whole  heavens. 


82  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Would  they  get  there  in  time  ?  Well, 
they  were  making  desperate  efforts  and 
would  probably  have  succeeded  in  reaching 
the  place,  had  they  not  become  discouraged 
when  a  worthy  farmer  informed  them  that 
they  were  running  to  put  out  the  northern 
lights. 

One  more  exploit  which  capped  the  cli- 
max of  their  renown  and  we  will  close  the 
thrilling  recital. 

It  was  the  wild  midnight.  The  tame  mid- 
night watchman  was  off  watch  and  had  gone 
to  bed  some  time  before.  The  town  was 
sleeping  quietly,  all  unconscious  of  the  fact 
that  the  wide  devastating  fire  fiend  was 
doing  his  disastrous  work  near  by.  Hap- 
pily, one  of  the  gallant  sons  of  Vulcan  was 
awake.  Through  a  rift  in  the  clouds  which 
hung  over  the  Pelham  mountains  he  caught 
sight  of  the  malignant  glow  of  fire,  which 
grew  brighter  and  brighter  as  he  gazed. 
Pausing  only  for  an  instant,  he  darted 
down  the  stairs  and  sped  through  the  streets, 
raising  the  terror-fraught  cry  of  Fire. 

The  brave  firemen  responded  with  their 
wonted  alacrity.  The  engine  was  manned 
and  they  started  on  their  way,  looking 
defiantly    toward     the    rapidly    increasing 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND   SCENES.        83 

light,  when  the  moon,  from  above  a  bank  of 
clouds,  at  last  shone  full  upon  them  with  a 
serene  smile,  which  seemed  to  say,  "Put 
me  out  if  you  can,"  and  the  story  of  their 
heroic  daring  is  complete. 


A  MEDITATIVE  STUDENT. 

A    SOLILOQUY. 

My   thoughts  are   so   profound  that  their 

profundity  is  immeasurable, 
My  mystic  meditations  deal  with  themes 

obscure  and  terrible, 
I  think  and  then  I  meditate,  then  meditate 

and  think. 
And  then  I  tell  whome'er  I  meet  how  much 

I  love  to  think. 

I  think  about  myself,  and  me,  and  then  of 

I,  and  ego  ; 
Again  about  myself,  and  then  about  how 

much  I  know. 
I  know  it  all,  and  even  just  a  little  else 

beside  ; 
And  with  my  knowledge  and  my  thoughts, 

I'm  wholly  satisfied. 
7 


84  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Yes,  yes,  I'm  very  proud  of  what  I  say,  and 

think,  and  know, 
And  am,  and  feel,  and  hear,  and  see,  and 

read  and  learn  ;  but  oh  ! 
This  world's  too  small  for  me — I  fain  would 

soar  away. 
And  tell  the  men  on  Mars  how  much  I  know 

and  think  and  say. 

At  length,  if  I  but  keep  at  work,  and  think 

hard  all  the  time, 
I'll  have  it  all  thought  up;  and  then,  how 

odd  and  how  sublime. 
To  never  rest,  but  keep  at  work  as  hard  as 

e'er  I  can. 
And  go,  and  what  I  have  thought  up,  un- 

think  it  all  again  ! 


THE  SPORT'S  OFF-DAY. 

"Don't  talk  to  me,"  he  said,  "I've  got 
a  bad  one."  It  was  needless  to  ask  what 
his  vague  statement  meant,  for  he  would 
have  called  himself  the  victim  of  a  bad 
"grouch."  His  more  scrupulous  room- 
mate might  have  called  it  a  mood,  or  the 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND   SCENES.        85 

blues,  but  it  all  amounted  to  the  same 
thing.  And  when  I  respected  his  wish  and 
held  my  peace,  he  began  to  speak  in  a  sort 
of  aggressive  way,  as  if  daring  me  to  con- 
tradict him. 

"  I  don't  see  what  it  all  amounts  to,"  h^ 
said  to  me,  and  I  knew  that  more  was  to 
follow.  "  I'm  not  accomplishing  anything. 
I'm  not  doing  anybody  else  any  good,  and  I 
doubt  very  much  if  I  am  profiting  by  it 
myself.  I  am  repeating  the  prodigal  son's 
follies  in  a  way  of  my  own,  I'm  wasting 
my  father's  substance  in  riotous  living. 
My  very  mode  of  life  is  a  systematic  and 
continued  deception  of  the  people  at  home. 
If  I  were  what  my  father  thought  I  was  I 
wouldn't  be  able  to  put  my  hat  on,  and  if  I 
fulfilled  my  mother's  expectations  nothing 
short  of  a  halo  would  do  for  me.  My  kid- 
brother  idolizes  me,  and  his  one  ambition  is 
to  be  some  day  the  man  that  he  imagines  I 
am  now.  And  she,"  here  he  pointed  to  a 
photograph  on  his  desk,  **she  writes  that 
she  envies  my  future,  for  she  knows  that 
my  ambition  will  raise  me  high  above  men 
some  day."  He  stopped  speaking,  and  for 
a  long  minute  the  clock  ticks  and  the  crack- 
ling of  the  flames  were  all  that  broke  the 


86  AMHERST  LIFE. 

silence.  Then  he  began  again,  **  Yes,  I'm 
deceiving  them  all  shamelessly,  but  if  I 
told  them,  it  would  break  their  hearts, 
and  if  I  should  change  without  telling 
them,  they  couldn't  believe  in  me  any  more 
implicitly  than  they  do  now.  Two  more 
years  in  college,  lots  of  time  to  straighten 
up  in,  and — I'm  having  a  good  time.  Call 
it  wild  oats  if  you  want.  What  do  I  care  ? " 
From  quiet  regret  his  voice  rose  to  loud  de- 
fiance. "Keep  your  sermons  for  someone 
else.  I'm  going  out  to-night  to  eat,  drink, 
and  be  merry.  Don't  stay  up  for  me. 
Tommy." 

His  room-mate  said  that  it  was  three 
o'clock  when  he  came  in  with  thick  utter- 
ance and  unsteady  step.  The  law  of  com- 
pensation had  demanded  its  right,  and  after 
his  unwonted  soberness  he  had  taken  pains 
to  lose  his  sobriety.  And  the  next  morn- 
ing he  met  me  with  the  old  **  devil-may- 
care  "  expression,  which  announced,  better 
than  words,  that  earnestness  had  once 
more  yielded  to  carelessness. 


AMHERST  TYPES  AND  SCENES.        87 


BEFORE   THE   FREE   DELIVERY. 

The  room  is  not  at  all  prepossessing  in 
appearance.  Its  bare  wooden  floor,  only 
a  foot  above  the  sidewalk,  is  invariably 
soiled  with  slush,  mud,  or  dust,  according 
to  the  season  of  the  year.  The  very  door 
which  one  encounters  on  entering  is  old 
and  dingy  and  battered,  one  side  being  dis- 
figured by  a  couple  of  flaps  which  look  like 
ill-conceived  patches  for  protection  of  the 
holes  beneath  them.  The  walls  are  cov- 
ered by  a  motley  collection  of  signs  and 
notices,  which  only  serve  to  intensify  the 
general  air  of  disregard  for  ornament  or 
cleanliness.  A  fly-specked  clock  adorns 
one  corner,  and  though  this  once  must 
have  had  no  mean  pretensions  to  respecta- 
bility, it  now  has  fallen  into  the  sadly  di- 
lapidated style  which  pervades  the  whole 
place.  Not  a  chair  or  a  bench  has  ever 
gained  footing  within  its  bare  and  homely 
precincts.  The  view  from  its  spacious 
windows  includes  only  the  roadway,  the 
town  pump,  and  a  few  brick  buildings. 
Yet  there  are  hours  during  the  day  when 


88  AMHERST  LIFE. 

this  unpretentious — nay,  even  disagreeable 
— apartment  is  crowded  with  an  eager,  ex- 
pectant gathering. 

The  explanation  of  their  patient,  con- 
stant attendance  is  easy.  For  all  interest 
centers  about  a  V-shaped  structure  which 
projects  well  into  the  room  from  the  rear 
toward  the  door,  lined  with  a  series  of  little 
cells  which  lend  to  the  whole  the  appear- 
ance of  a  vast  honeycomb.  The  tiny  com- 
partments are  systematically  numbered  and 
each  apparently  has  its  own  proprietor. 
About  these  the  swarm  of  busy  bees 
hovers,  each  bent  on  his  own  cell,  finally 
turning  away  content  with  a  white  budget 
from  it,  or  slowly  making  off  without  booty, 
showing  by  his  very  bearing  disappoint- 
ment that  the  genius  within  has  not  seen 
fit  to  reward  his  devotions. 

Some  rarely  go  away  without  at  least  one 
of  these  mysterious  white  billets,  while 
some  come  for  days  at  a  time  without 
receiving  any  prize  at  all.  But  a  careful 
observer  could  see  that  they  who  oftenest 
deposit  tribute  in  a  slot  at  the  apex  of  the 
V  are  most  frequently  the  ones  to  receive 
like  tokens.  Not  seldom  the  color  is  lav- 
ender, or  blue,  or  pink,  these  same  tints 


AMHERST   TYPES  AND   SCENES.        89 

imparting  added  value,  while  those  of  yel- 
low or  bronze  exterior  are  treated  with 
contempt  and  often  cast  aside  without 
examination. 

Such  is  this  most  popular  room  and  such 
are  the  proceedings  within  it.  Doubtless 
the  reader  has  already  recognized  it,  if 
not,  he  may  see  some  points  of  resemblance 
when  at  the  next  mail  hour  he  betakes  him- 
self to  the  Amherst  post-office. 


THE  CONVENTS, 

Two  convents  in  a  college  town, 
Whose  fair,  sweet  nuns,  discreet, 

March  in  two  dainty  throngs  each  day 
Through  the  elm-shaded  street. 

Though  guarded  by  a  Saint  Bernard 

And  by  a  gallant  knight. 
Naught  of  their  beauty  can  be  bound: 

It  flashes  as  the  light. 

Though  only  from  afar  can  we 

Behold,  admire,  adore, 
Our  gracious  kindly  patron  saints 

Be  they  forevermore! 


OO  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Fair,  gentle  saints,  inspiring  hope, 

How  they  do  edify! 
Sweet  incense  on  our  shrine  we  burn 

To  their  divinity! 


AMHERST   REVERIES. 


IN  AMHERST  TOWN. 

In  Amherst  town  the  blue  skies  beam 
On  many  a  bright  and  hopeful  dream 
Of  youth,  which  knows  no  doubt,  no  fear, 
And  thinks  of  friends  and  friendships  near; 
And  trusts  that  men  are  all  they  seem. 


So  this  is  youth,  and  youth's  bright  dream. 
It  somehow  has  a  brightened  gleam 
From  off  the  shining  sunbeams  clear, 
In  Amherst  town. 


And  yet  a  day  will  come — I  deem — 
When  brightness  all  away  will  stream  ; 
And  all  the  world  so  dark  and  drear, 
And  men  so  strange;  that  then  I'll  hear 
They  crave  again  that  sunny  dream — 
In  Amherst  Town, 

93 


94  AMHERST  LIFE. 


FOUR  LIVES. 

FROM   THE   JUNIOR   POINT   OF   VIEW. 

Strolling  down  the  College  highway;  with 

its  many  ferns  and  flowers, 
Chanced    I    on    four  people,  trudging   on 

through  all  the  weary  hours. 
Each    seemed   different  from   the   others, 

each  a  different  story  told, 
Which  I   heard  as  I  was  passing,   and  in 
memory  still  do  hold. 

senior. 
First  I  met  a  saddened   spinster,    old   in 

years;  and  worn,  and  thin, 
With  a    tear-stained    face    and   wrinkled, 

pitted  with  the  marks  of  sin. 
She   had   gone  through   life,  for  nothing, 

bearing  scanty  wreaths  away. 
And  I  shunned  the  aged  vixen,  with  her 

hideous  hair  of  gray. 

JUNIOR. 

Then  there  came  a  lovely  matron  rounded 

in  the  prime  of  life. 
Walking  on  in  matchless  beauty,  carrying 

crowns  from  many  a  strife. 


AMHERST  REVERIES.  95 

When  she  bowed  she  spoke  with  sweetness, 
and  her  breath  was  like  the  rose, 

Like  the  skies  her  beauty,  sunny  grace, 
compelling  love  from  foes. 

SOPHOMORE. 

Next  I  met  a  saucy  maiden  with  a  dirty, ' 

ugly  face. 
Shambling  on  'mid  grievous  weeping,  with 

a  walk  devoid  of  grace. 
She   was   overgrown   and    clumsy,    with   a 

heathen,  country  air. 
And  I   know  not  what  for    rudeness  with 

this  maiden  could  compare. 

FRESHMAN. 

Last  of  all,  a  funny  infant  came  a-toddling 

down  the  road. 
Stubbing  'gainst  the  stones  and  squalling  in 

the  latest  ^  la  mode. 
But  I  rather  liked  the  fellow,  with  his  cute 

and  childish  ways. 
For  he  had  the  brightest,  freshest  looks  I'd 

seen  in  many  days. 

Saw  I  also  in   the  distance,   other  people 

coming  on, 
But  I  stopped  and  did  not  meet  them, — you 

may  hear  of  them  anon. 


96  AMHERST  LIFE. 

In  a  tavern  someone  told  me,  all  were  Alma 

Mater's  kin, 
Yet  their  lives  were    very   different — One 

alone  the  prize  could  win. 


A  REVERIE  FROM  RHETORIC. 

*TwAS  on  an  arm  in  Nungy's  room. 
Inclosed  by  many  a  penciled  square, 
A  hideous  head  with  rumpled  hair, 

Upon  an  arm  in  Nungy's  room. 

Did  someone  draw  that  horrid  face 
To  keep  awake  to  meet  his  doom; 

Or  was  the  artist's  aim  to  grace 
That  old  chair  arm  in  Nungy's  room  ? 

Perhaps  a  Goethe  traced  each  line 
Upon  that  poor  defenseless  arm. 
And  genius'  power  was  the  charm 

That  could  create  such  form  divine. 

Maybe  we'll  see  a  Rubens  loom. 
With    heaven-sent    power  and    master's 

hand, 
Out  from  the  man  who  left  his  brand 

On  that  chair  arm  in  Nungy's  room. 

Whoe'er  he  be,  where'er  he  dwell. 
Who  drew  that  frightful  image  there, 
Long  may  he  live,  to  have  his  share 


AMHERST  REVERIES.  97 

Of  blessed  life,  and  live  it  well. 

But  may  some  memory  bring  him  round 

Matured  by  this  world's  sun  and  gloom, 
To  see  what  ugly  work  I  found 

On  that  chair  arm  in  Nungy's  room. 


AMHERST  MISCELLANY. 

To  order  hash  or  not,  that  is  the  question  : 

Whether  'tis  better  for  man  to  suffer 

The  pains  and  terrors  of  outrageous  hunger, 

Or  to  take  hash  with  all  its  mysteries, 

And  by  one  great  gulp  to  end  it. 

To  eat,  perchance  to  dream,  ay,  there's  the 

rub! 
For  in  that  sleep  what  dreams  may  come 
Of  hair,  of  dogs,  of  cats,  of  puppies'  tails; 
Of  shingle  nails;  of  tin  tomato-cans; 
Of  bones;  of  fishes'  tails  and  fins; 
Of  skins  of  apples  and  potato-rinds. 
The  choice  of  hash,  or  nothing,  puzzles  the 

will. 
And  makes  us  rather  bear  the  hunger  that 

we  have 
Than  fly  to  evils  that  we  know  not  of. 
Thus  does  this  element  make  cowards  of 

us  all. 


98  AMHERST  LIFE. 


THE  EX-SMOKER'S  LAMENT. 

Oft  upon  a  midnight  dreary,  while  I  pon- 
der, weak  and  weary, 

Over  many  a  long  and  toilsome  lesson  of 
to-morrow's  four, 

While  I'm   nodding,    nearly   napping,  sud- 
denly there  comes  a  tapping. 

As  of  someone  gently  rapping,  rapping  on 
his  cuspidor. 

'Tis   my   room-mate  softly   spilling    ashes 
from  his  pipe,  for  more  : 

Only  this  and  nothing  more. 

At  my  desk,  so  slowly  working,  sit  I,  with 

no  thought  of  shirking, 
Though   my   will   can    very    little    longer 

'gainst  this  craving  war. 
How  I  long  to  do  this  rapping,  do  this  soft, 

this  gentle  tapping. 
Filling  my  old  pipe  with  'baccy,  as  so  oft  in 

days  of  yore. 
Oh,  these  fetters  that  restrain  me  burn  into 

my  bosom's  core  : 

For  I  smoke,  ah,  nevermore. 


AMHERST  REVERIES.  99 

Ah,  distinctly  I  remember,  and  the  thought 
is  dear  and  tender. 

How  I  loved  to  sit  and  linger  over  many  a 
peaceful  smoke. 

There  I  found  a  way  to  borrow  freedom 
from  my  every  sorrow ; 

For  I'd  learned  to  rout  all  trouble  in  wreath- 
ing clouds  of  smoke. 

Often  from  my  dreams  I  waken,  thinking 
that  my  pledge  I've  broke: 
But,  alas,  there's  no  such  hope. 

And  my  pipe  is  useless  lying,  all  the  weed 
within  it  drying; 

In  the  corner  of  my  desk  it's  doomed  to 
stay  for  evermore; 

While  I  sit,  so  vainly  trying,  all  these  long- 
ings in  me  crying 

For  the  smoke  of  incense,  healing  to  my 
heart  so  sick  and  sore; 

But  my  pipe  from  out  that  corner,  though 
my  feelings  wage  fierce  war. 
Can  be  lifted  nevermore. 


lOO  AMHERST  LIFE. 


TO  THE  CONVENT  GIRL. 

Sweet  maid,  to  these  bleak  hills  allured 

To  drink  thy  fill  at  learning's  fount; 
Fair  being,  in  whose  soul  I  ween 

Minerva's  shrine  is  paramount; 
Do  me  this  grace,  sweet  lady  mine, 

To  give  my  burdened  heart  relief, 
Grant  me  a  hearing,  only  list 

To  my  o'erpowering,  hopeless  grief, 

I  meet  thee  oft  in  aimless  stroll 

And  view  thy  passage  from  afar. 
As  longingly  as  sage  of  old 

E'er  watched  the  rising  of  his  star. 
In  concert  hall  I  see  thee  oft, 

And  looking,  lose  all  thought  of  song. 
Or  muse,  or  anything  except 

The  charms  that  to  thyself  belong. 

Thy  presence,  too,  at  vesper-tide 
Enshrines  the  spot,  and  all  the  hour 

My  homage  seeks  thy  heart  alone 
My  soul  is  fast  in  Cupid's  power. 

Thus  am  I  tossed  with  love  of  thee. 
Thus  has  my  sorrow  daily  grown. 


AMHERST  REVERIES.  lOl 

Now  give,  I  pray  thee,  beauteous  maid, 
Good  heed  unto  that  heart  of  stone, 

And  see  if  thou  hast  not  one  glance, 

One  thought  for  me.     I  wait  thy  word 
With  anxious  heart.     Can'st  not  bestow 

One  look  on  me  ?    Hast  thou  not  heard  ? 
Thou  can'st  not.     Then  alas  for  me  ! 

What  visions  now  must  take  their  flight. 
I  blame  thee  not,  but  thou  hast  made 

Of  me  a  most  heart-broken  wight. 

Go  on  thy  course  toward  wisdom's  goal, 
But  when  at  last  cute  Cupid's  bow 

Shall  pierce  thy  heart,  then,  then  alone 
Can'st  thou  my  present  anguish  know. 


OVER  THE  NOTCH. 

Over  the  Notch,  'neath  forest-clad  height 
Rock-strewn,  o'er-frowning  his  path  on  the 

right. 
He  wends  his  swift  way  to  that   land  of 

delight, 

Over  the  Notch. 


I02  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Over  the  Notch,  where  the  arbutus  grows, 
Or  autumn's  bright  red  midst  its  pale  yel- 
low glows, 
Soft  breeze   from   the   South   in   his    face 
gently  blows, 

Over  the  Notch. 

Over  the  Notch,  to  where  sweet  voices  call, 
Fair  faces  glance  coyly  from  window  and 

hall, 
Or  lure  him  to  **  Pepper-Box  " — best  place 

of  all— 

Over  the  Notch. 

Over  the  Notch,  in  the  darkness  of  night. 
The  deep,  sheer  ravine's  fearful  plunge  on 

his  right. 
Slow    and    sadly  returns    he,    this    love- 
stricken  wight, 

Over  the  Notch. 


YE  JOLLIE  JUNIOR. 

Although  at  ease  in  outward  guise. 

Within  his  fare  he  curses. 
He  can't  forget  though  hard  he  tries, 

The  yawning  void  his  purse  is. 


AMHERST  STORIES. 


A  DIMPLED  PLATONIST.       .^ 

Ferrand  Eliot  was  reclining  on  his  win- 
dow seat.  It  was  a  pleasant  Saturday  after- 
noon at  the  beginning  of  the  fall  term;  here 
and  there  a  tree  had  already  put  on  its  habit 
of  red  or  gold,  yet  the  afternoon  was  not 
cold,  and  a  gentle  breeze  fluttered  the 
silken  drapery  by  the  open  window.  Our 
friend  was  feeling  particularly  happy  and 
contented  this  September  day,  although  he 
was  alone,  this  being  one  of  his  chum's 
regular  days  for  worship  at  a  certain  shrine 
of  Northampton.  He  held  in  his  hand  a 
sufficiently  interesting  story;  the  window 
seat  was  comfortable,  and  it  was  with  a 
pleasant  sense  of  an  ownership  of  good 
things  that  he  lay  back  and  lazily  surveyed 
the  room  before  opening  the  volume.  His 
eyes  wandered  over  the  familiar  things — 
the  regulation  sets  of  foils,  masks,  and 
boxing-gloves,  the  college  bric-a-brac,  the 
"Ladies'  Cloak  Room"  and  ''Reserved," 
signs  of  freshman  year;  the  patriotic  purple 


Io6  AMHERST  LIFE. 

and  white  banner,  and  several  water-color 
sketches,  Ferrand's  own  work;  the  mantel 
with  its  array  of  pipes,  and  a  few  medals 
won  at  Worcester  or  in  the  heavy  gym. 
All  these  things  his  eyes  surveyed  with 
an  expression  of  great  content,  until  they 
came  to  rest  upon  the  most  charming  thing 
in  the  room — the  photograph  of  a  young 
girl.  Then,  strangely  enough,  the  placid 
expression  changed  to  one  of  contending 
admiration,  pity,  and  disgust.  **Why 
should  Frank  make  such  a  fool  of  himself? " 
he  asked  the  ceiling — **and  for  her  to  throw 
herself  away  like  that !  "  Ferrand  Eliot 
was  a  well-born  and  well-bred  Virginian, 
manly,  broad-shouldered,  blue-eyed;  a  type 
which  cannot  be  surpassed  anywhere.  The 
"sand"  and  skill  which  he  exhibited  on 
the  football  eleven,  where  he  played  right 
guard,  together  with  his  accurate  scholar- 
ship in  the  classroom,  showed  that  his 
muscle  and  the  fiber  of  his  brain  were 
equally  tough.  He  was  a  man  whom  every- 
one trusted.  But  there  was  a  screw  loose, 
as  the  fellows  said. 

In  matters  of  sentiment  Ferrand  Eliot 
was  a  Platonist.  He  thought  it  not  only 
nonsense,  but  downright  suicide,  for  two 


AMHERST  STORIES.  107 

young  people  to  fall  in  love  with  each  other. 
"Why  won't  they  be  sensible?"  he  would 
exclaim.  **Look  about  and  see  all  the 
unhappiness  lovers  bring  on  each  other  and 
the  rest  of  the  world.  It  could  be  avoided 
so  easily.  What  an  absurdity  to  say  that  a 
young  man  and  a  young  woman  cannot  be 
the  closest  friends,  without  degenerating 
into  the  sickly  sentimental  style  of  inter- 
course ! "  He  had  lived  a  score  of  years, 
and  had  known  many  women  intimately,  but 
his  platonic  heart  was  still  untouched  by 
any  unplatonic  passion. 

On  the  other  hand,  his  chum,  Frank 
Hanway,  held  exactly  opposite  views.  He 
claimed  that  he  had  always  been  in  love,  as 
has  every  other  man,  acknowledge  it  or  not. 
"We  all  have  our  ideals,"  he  would  say, 
"and  sooner  or  later  every  man  will  find 
attributes  of  his  ideal  centered  in  some 
woman."  And  so,  of  course,  they  had  many 
long  and  amusing  discussions  on  these 
interesting  topics.  There  was  something 
fascinating  in  Hanway's  way  of  putting 
things  which  attracted  his  chum,  while  the 
latter's  manly  sincerity  Frank  felt  to  be 
worthy  of  respect.  Now,  Hanway  had 
already  found  his  ideal  in  the  subject  of  the 


lo8  AMHERST  LIFE. 

admired,  pitied,  and  obnoxious  photograph, 
the  fascinating  Miss  Alger  of  Smith  college. 
So  he  had  lost  no  time  in  using  man's  priv- 
ilege by  telling  Miss  Alger  that  he  had 
always  loved  her,  although  until  a  fortnight 
previous  to  the  declaration  they  had  been 
utter  strangers.  Miss  Alger,  while  her  con- 
fession may  have  been  less  striking,  was 
none  the  less  in  love  with  Frank  Hanway. 
To  most  of  their  friends  it  seemed  a  perfect 
match.  Not  so  to  Ferrand;  he  could  not 
be  reconciled  to  such  an  abnormal  state 
of  things.  Miss  Alger  was  a  pretty  girl. 
Frank  was  a  thorough  good  fellow.  But 
the  combination  was  intolerably  absurd. 
The  window  seat  was  no  longer  comfortable. 
He  frowned,  fidgeted,  and  finally  arose, 
pulled  on  his  cap,  and  sought  the  com- 
panionship of  his  "Columbia,"  of  whose 
platonic  friendship  he  felt  secure.  But 
why  did  he  take  the  road  to  Northampton  ? 
At  Northampton  he  turned  to  the  left, 
crossed  the  meadows,  ferried  the  Con- 
necticut at  Hockanum,  and  followed  the 
winding  river  toward  South  Hadley.  The 
beauty  of  the  quiet  river;  of  the  meadows 
dotted  over  with  white  houses  and  tobacco 
barns;   of  Northampton  with  it  churches 


AMHERST  STORIES.  109 

and  colleges  like  pretty  mosaics  set  in  the 
emerald  of  wonderful  elms;  of  the  little 
rifts  and  puffs  of  smoke  from  furnaces  and 
creeping  enginds  so  far  away,  there  was 
charm  enough  in  all  this  to  cause  Ferrand 
to  slacken  his  speed.  Too  great  haste  amid 
such  surrounding  loveliness  would  have 
been  an  impertinence,  if  not  a  sacrilege. 
He  had  ascended  the  long  hill  which  rises 
abruptly  out  of  the  river,  and  turned  his 
head  as  he  began  the  descent  to  get  a  last 
glimpse  of  the  quiet  valley. 

There  must  have  been  some  sort  of  mis- 
fit in  the  road,  for  he  turned  a  somersault 
in  the  air  and  several  on  the  ground,  and 
saw  stars  for  some  moments.  Among  the 
stars  he  perceived  a  straw  sailor-hat,  a 
tennis-dress,  and  a  frightened  face.  In  due 
time  the  stars  retired  to  their  proper 
orbits,  but  the  other  articles  considerately 
stayed,  to  resolve  themselves  into  a  very 
presentable  young  lady. 

"Can  I  help  you?"  said  the  young 
lady,  regarding  apprehensively  a  certain 
.part  of  Ferrand's  head  which  bulged  omi- 
nously, 

"Thank  you,  very  much,"  he  said,  get- 
ting slowly  to  his  feet,  and  having  sufficient 


no  AMHERST  LIFE. 

presence  of  mind  to  touch  his  cap.  "I 
shall  do  very  well,  I  think." 

"Then  I  may  smile  just  a  little?"  she 
asked.  "I'm  not  ill-natured,  but  there  is 
such  a  funny  side  to  an  accident  of  that 
sort!" 

She  stood  by  the  roadside  dimpling 
softly,  her  brown  hair  blown  backward. 
Ferrand  began  to  be  interested.  It  was 
certainly  a  strange  manner  for  a  young 
girl  to  use  toward  a  stranger.  Yet  it 
was  not  familiar.  In  the  presence  of  a 
"header,"  according  to  Ferrand's  experi- 
ence, most  young  ladies  would  choose 
to  scream  or  faint  or  giggle.  Here  was 
one  who  had  promptly  offered  her  aid,  but 
evidently  had  no  uncalled-for  sentimental 
sympathy  to  deal  out,  even  to  such  a  good- 
looking  young  gentleman  as  Ferrand  felt 
himself  to  be.  To  be  sure  there  was  a 
smirch  of  the  roadway  across  his  face,  and 
his  clothes  were  shockingly  begrimed,  but 
even  then  !  He  rid  himself  impatiently  of 
a  little  of  the  dirt,  and  collected  his  cap 
and  his  bicycle  before  turning  to  say  a  few 
decent  phrases  in  his  best  ladies'  manner. 
She  was  seated  further  back  from  the  road, 
sketching  quietly,  with  a  little  preoccupied 


AMHERST  STORIES.  m 

knot  in  her  brow  and  her  head  on  one  side. 
Ferrand  took  off  the  rescued  cap. 

"You  were  very  kind  to  try  to  help  me, 
and  I  forgive  the  smile,"  he  said.  It  was 
quite  as  unconventional  a  remark  as  hers 
had  been,  he  thought.  She  looked  up  at 
him. 

"I  am  really  glad  you  weren't  hurt 
seriously,  Mr.  Ferrand  Eliot,"  she  said. 

This  explained  the  whole  thing.  It  was 
someone  he  had  met  and  forgotten;  and 
yet  Ferrand  did  not  forget  easily. 

She  was  quick  to  notice  the  embarrassed, 
remembering  expression  on  his  face. 

**  No,  you  needn't  try.  You  have  never 
met  me  anywhere,  and  yet  I  know  you  quite 
well,  Mr.  Ferrand  Eliot,"  she  said. 

"I  give  it  up,"  said  Ferrand,  laughing. 
He  had  no  doubt  that  this  self-possessed 
young  lady  would  explain  in  her  own  good 
time.  In  the  meanwhile  there  was  no 
hurry.      But  she  laid  down  her  sketchbook. 

**In  the  first  place,"  she  said,  "you  are 
a  chum  of  a  certain  Amherst  man  named 
Mr.  Frank  Hanway,  aren't  you?" 

"Yes,"  said  Ferrand,  "but " 

"In  the  second  place,  Mr.  Frank  Han- 
way is  engaged,  I  believe  they  call  it,  to  a 


112  AMHERST  LIFE. 

certain  Smith  girl  called  Miss  Alger,  isn't 
he?" 

"Why,  yes,"  said  Ferrand,  **but 
how " 

"In  the  third  place,  I  am  the  room- 
mate of  this  Miss  Alger,  who  is  engaged 
to  the  man  who  lives  with  the  man  whose 
name  is  Ferrand  Eliot.  Now  do  you 
see?" 

"  Oh,  yes,"  cried  Ferrand,  "  and  you  are 

Miss "     Here  he  stopped  and  thought 

hopelessly. 

"Ah,"  she  said,  dimpling  again,  "you 
aren't  so  well  informed  about  me  as  I  am 
about  you.  Allow  me  to  introduce  myself 
in  a  shockingly  irregular  manner  as  Miss 
Helen  Prescott,  at  your  service,  sir." 
With  this  she  bowed   meekly. 

"Of  course,"  said  Ferrand.  "How 
stupid  !  But  that  doesn't  explain  how  you 
recognized  me." 

"Oh,  you  were  pointed  out  to  me  at 
the  first  football  game,  so  the  mystery  is 
all  gone." 

"I  wonder  if  you  have  your  chum's  in- 
terests at  heart  as  much  as  I  have  mine," 
said  Ferrand.  "If  you  have,  you  have  a 
grudge  against  Frank  Hanway." 


AMHERST  STORIES.  1 13 

**  Yes,  indeed,  I  have  !  "  she  cried,  **  Do 
you  know,  you  men  are  a  bit  provoking 
with  your  brag  about  stanchness,  fidelity, 
and  all  the  other  solid  virtues  which  women 
are  supposed  not  to  possess.  As  if  women 
couldn't  be  as  good  friends  as  men  !  " 

"  I  think  you  are  right,"  he  asserted, 
"and  I  only  wish  all  women  were  as  sen- 
sible as  you;  but  what  is  still  more  pro- 
voking to  me,  is  the  generally  accepted 
idea  that  a  man  and  a  woman — you  and  I, 
for  instance — can't  be  together  and  enjoy 
each  other's  companionship  without  going 
through  the  absurd  process  of  falling  in 
love.  Now,  there  are  Frank  and  Miss 
Alger — but  it's  of  no  use  to  argue  with 
Frank,"  and  Ferrand  turned  his  brown 
head  impatiently. 

"And  Margaret  is  quite  as  obstinate," 
said  Miss  Prescott  gloomily.  "Isn't  it  a 
pity  !  "  This  was  certainly  a  very  unusual 
girl.  She  was  pretty,  but  of  course  that 
was  a  secondary  matter,  thought  Ferrand. 
It  was  her  frankness  and  good  sense  that 
were  so  attractive.  He  followed  a  sudden 
impulse. 

"Miss  Prescott,"  he  said,  "  what  do  you 
say  to  our  demonstrating  to  these  beloved 


114  AMHERST  LIFE. 

idiots  the  strength  of  our  position  ?  I  like 
you,  at  all  events " 

"And  I  like  you,  Mr.  Eliot,"  said  Helen 
Prescott.  "  And  here  is  my  hand  to  clinch 
the  bargain.  We  must  save  those  children! 
And  now,  to  show  that  you  are  in  earnest, 
I  wish  you  would  go  away  at  once!  The 
other  girls  left  me  here  to  do  some  sketch- 
ing, and  it  is  time  for  them  to  return  with 
the  carriage.  I  should  like  to  have  you 
meet  them,  but  it  might  be  rather  unpleas- 
ant for  you,  looking  as  you  do,  you  know — 
and  we  have  met  in  such  a  singular  way. 
And,  if  you  should  come  to  the  Hubbard 
house  with  Mr.  Hanway  some  time  I 
should  be  very  pleased  to  meet  you."  A 
dimple  and  a  courtesy,  and  Ferrand  found 
himself  dismissed. 

"  The  fact  of  our  first  meeting  for  con- 
spiracy is  to  be  kept  in  the  dark,  then,"  he 
reflected,  as  he  rode  slowly  toward  the 
ferry,  "or  is  it  merely  a  feminine  tribute 
to  the  goddess  Grundy  ?  "  So  it  happened 
that  he  told  Frank  about  the  accident,  with- 
out mentioning  its  other  than  material  con- 
sequences. He  felt  a  little  guilty,  but  it 
was  a  consolation  that  his  guilt  was  shared. 

It  came  to  pass  a  week  later  that,  as  they 


AMHERST  STORIES.  "5 

were  walking  down  from  chapel  together, 
Ferrand  said  : 

**  I  suppose  you  are  off  to  Hamp,  as 
usual,  this  evening,  to  see  the  fair  one  ?  " 

**Yes,"  said  Frank,  shrugging  his 
shoulders,  and  expecting  to  hear  the  usual 
tirade  about  "sentimental  bosh,"  and  so 
forth. 

"  Well,"  said  Ferrand,  "  I  think  I'll  come 
with  you  and  hear  the  turtledove  coo,  if 
you  don't  mind," 

Whereat  Frank  wondered  greatly,  for 
hitherto  his  efforts  at  bringing  together  his 
chum  and  his  sweetheart  had  been  frus- 
trated by  a  true  Virginian  obstinacy. 

That  evening  Ferrand  was  duly  presented 
to  Miss  Alger. 

"Not  so  bad,"  thought  Ferrand;  "she 
doesn't  look  like  a  maniac.  But  then  the 
way  she  looks  at  Frank!  And  they  would 
have  been  quite  as  comfortable  if  they 
hadn't  shaken  hands  for  quite  five  minutes.  ' 

They  had  spoken  the  introductory  com- 
monplaces, when  in  came  the  demure  Miss 
Prescott,  who  expressed  herself  as  delighted 
to  meet  Mr.  Eliot.  But  there  was  a  stray 
dimple  for  Ferrand  alone — when  the  turtle- 
doves had  drawn  aside  with  an  uncon- 
9 


Il6  AMHERST  LIFE. 

sciously  relieved  expression — which  showed 
that  she  had  not  forgotten  their  bargain. 

We  need  not  say  how  often  during  the 
following  winter  Ferrand  spent  his  evenings 
in  Northampton,  nor  how  many  letters  with 
double  postage  passed  and  repassed  the 
long  bridge;  there  were  so  many  things  to 
be  talked  over  with  reference  to  the  refor- 
mation of  the  lovers.  So  far,  indeed,  from 
there  being  any  immediate  gratifying  re- 
sults in  the  behavior  of  the  lovers,  conse- 
quent to  the  Platonic  example  so  studiously 
set  for  them,  they  seemed  to  be  getting  more 
and  more  incurable.  But  everything  does 
not  come  to  pass  in  a  day,  and  the  two  con- 
spirators labored  on. 

So  senior  year  sped  by,  and  the  com- 
mencement day  partings  drew  near,  and 
the  evening  came  when  Frank  and  Ferrand 
must  make  their  last  visit  upon  the  Hub- 
bard house  piazza.  Not  that  Frank  cared 
a  whit;  he  was  all  in  the  future;  the  Hub- 
bard house  had  been  to  him  a  rather 
inconvenient  place  of  tryst.  But  to  Fer- 
rand it  was  a  melancholy  time.  To  keep 
alive  an  intellectual  friendship  across  a  con- 
tinent is  no  easy  matter,  in  spite  of  the 
graphs  and  phones  of  this  privileged  age. 


AMHERST  STORIES.  II7 

He  found  himself  looking  with  envy  upon 
his  chum,  who  was  not  to  know  the  pangs 
of  intellectual  separation.  Frank  had  some 
errands  to  do,  and  Ferrand  found  Miss 
Prescott  alone.  They  shook  hands  in  their 
usual  business-like  way.  But  they  did  not 
succeed  in  being  very  talkative. 

"I'm  afraid  all  our  efforts  have  been  a 
vanity,  after  all,"  she  said;  "we  have  had 
a  great  deal  of  trouble  for  nothing,  haven't 
we  ? "  She  was  sitting  with  her  back  to 
the  light,  and  he  could  see  her  dimpled 
cheek  in  profile. 

"For  nothing?"  he  said  mechanically. 
She  turned  slightly,  so  that  he  saw  a  little 
helpless  quiver  of  her  under-lip.  He  rose 
from  his  chair,  throwing  out  his  arm  as  if  to 
cast  off  some  weight.  Then  he  came  before 
her,  raised  her  gently  to  him,  and  looked 
long  and  lingeringly  into  her  face.  It  was 
not  very  long  after  this  that  the  two  fool- 
ish lovers  came  into  the  room,  and  were 
naturally  surprised.  The  fellow-philoso- 
phers looked,  to  tell  the  truth,  a  little 
sheepish. 

"This  isn't  a  very  good   example " 

began  Helen. 

"The  simple  truth  of  the  whole  matter 


Il8  AMHERST  LIFE. 

is,"  said  Ferrand,  calmly  but  with  unction, 
"  that  Plato  was  an  old  fool!  " 

But  I  doubt  if  Plato  could  have  withstood 
those  dimples. 

Le  Roy  Phillips,  '92. 


AMHERST  STORIES.  119 


A  POLITICAL  DEAL. 

Reginald  Thompson's  face  was  clouded 
as  he  lounged  on  the  window-seat,  and  even 
the  smoke-wreaths  from  his  pipe  floated 
away  with  an  air  of  dreariness. 

Reginald  was  only  a  sophomore,  yet  he 
was  taking  a  farewell  look  at  the  books,  the 
pictures,  and  the  knickknacks  in  his  room. 
In  a  short  time  he  was  to  be  expelled  from 
college. 

A  few  evenings  before,  a  freshman  had 
been  suddenly  seized  while  strolling  about 
the  campus,  and  had  been  blindfolded  be- 
fore he  could  catch  more  than  a  glimpse  of 
his  assailants.  He  had  been  led  away  and 
hazed.  In  the  midst  of  the  fun  his  tormen- 
tors were  interrupted  by  the  approach  of  a 
watchman.  They  fled  around  a  corner,  only 
to  encounter  another  man.  But  he  was 
hurrying  to  catch  a  train  and  had  no  time 
to  trouble  himself  about  the  disturbance. 
So  the  fugitives  passed  him  without  inter- 
ference, and  there  was  no  one  to  tell  who 
they  were  unless  the  victim  himself  had 
some  idea.     And,    in  fact,  the   latter  had 


120  AMHERST  LIFE. 

Stated  most  positively  that  one  of  his  tor- 
mentors had  been  Reginald  Thompson; 
that  he  had  not  only  recognized  Thompson's 
voice,  but  had  even  caught  a  glimpse  of  him. 
The  accused  denied  the  charge  in  vain;  only 
his  most  intimate  friends  would  believe  him, 
for  he  had  not  been  in  his  room  on  that 
evening,  and  no  one  could  say  where  he 
had  been. 

The  laws  of  the  college  required  that 
hazing  be  punished  with  expulsion ;  but  first, 
the  student  must  come  before  the  college 
senate,  and  without  the  sanction  of  this 
body  no  action  could  be  taken. 

A  meeting  of  the  senate  had  therefore 
been  called  by  the  president,  but  had  been 
postponed  because  one  of  the  sophomore 
members  had  not  yet  been  elected. 

Thompson's  chum  and  room-mate,  Wil- 
Ham  MacMaster,  was  the  president  of  the 
sophomore  class,  and  was  using  his  influ- 
ence to  the  utmost  to  help  his  friend. 
Reginald  knew  this,  and  his  face  brightened 
considerably  when  MacMaster  burst  in  upon 
his  meditations  on  the  window  seat. 

"Hello,  Reggie  !  "  he  cried;  "stop  your 
scowling  now,  old  man,  and  cheer  up,  I  have 
some  good  news. " 


AMHERST  STORIES.  121 

"  Well,  Bill,  what  is  it  ? "  asked  Regi- 
nald, with  a  smile  that  was  almost  gloomy. 

"The  election  will  be  to-morrow  and 
Townsend  is  going  to  run  for  senatorship," 
began  the  other  as  he  sat  down  and  shoved 
both  his  hands  into  his  pockets.  "  All  of 
our  crowd,  of  course,  will  vote  for  him, 
and  I  made  a  deal  with  the  Theta  Epsilons, 
so  that  they  will  be  in  for  him  too." 

"It  is  awfully  kind  of  you,  Bill,  to  take 
so  much  trouble  for  me." 

"Come  now,  you  had  better  keep  your 
thanks  until  you  are  well  out  of  this  scrape. 
I  have  seen  all  the  senators  and  they  seem 
to  be  equally  divided  for  and  against  you, 
so  that  Townsend's  election  is  absolutely 
necessary." 

"Who  else  will  run  for  senator  ?"  asked 
Reggie. 

"Oh,  I  nearly  forgot  to  tell  you  that. 
The  other  side  will  vote  for  Borden." 

"  That's  bad  news.  I  always  hated  that 
man,  and  I  guess  he  was  not  over  fond  of 
me.     He  is  a  low,  mean  sort  of  a  fellow." 

"Yes,  I  know,"  answered  MacMaster, 
"and  he  has  a  strong  pull  with  the  ouden's. 
But  he  won't  stand  the  ghost  of  a  show. 
Now  I  must  go  and  canvass  some  more 


122  AMHERST  LIFE. 

votes.  So  I'll  see  you  later."  And  with 
this  assurance  MacMaster  left  his  friend  to 
relight  his  pipe. 

The  next  day  came  and  with  it  the  sopho- 
more election.  The  chapel  was  filled  with 
the  members  of  the  class,  but  there  was  not 
the  usual  laughing  and  bluffing.  The  boys 
felt  the  importance  of  the  meeting.  They 
knew  the  effect  that  their  votes  would  have 
on  Reggie's  happiness,  and,  though  he  was 
well  liked,  all  were  indignant  at  the  hazing 
that  had  been  done;  the  sentiment  of  the 
class  was  against  it,  and  the  boys  had  de- 
cided to  vote  as  they  believed  their  class- 
mate deserved. 

As  Bill  MacMaster  entered  the  room  arm 
in  arm  with  Townsend,  he  was  greeted  with 
a  cheer.  But  he  took  little  notice  of  the 
greeting,  and  sat  down  apparently  in  anxious 
thought.  A  little  later,  a  short,  thick-set 
man  entered  the  room  amidst  applause  al- 
most as  loud  as  that  which  had  greeted 
MacMaster  and  Townsend.  In  acknowl- 
edgement of  the  applause  he  bowed  his 
large  head  with  its  matted  covering  of 
black,  curly  hair,  and  smiled  with  a  look  of 
superiority. 

It  was  Alvan  Borden,  the  other  candidate. 


AMHERST  STORIES.  1 23 

His  coarse  features  were  full  of  character, 
and  his  small,  dark  eyes  twinkled  from 
shaft-like  depths.  One  could  see  at  first 
sight  the  power  and  ability  of  the  man  ; 
yet  it  seemed  ability  more  for  the  bad  than 
for  the  good. 

Since  he  had  thought  it  would  be  awk- 
ward, if  not  indelicate,  Thompson  did  not 
come  to  the  meeting. 

When  the  room  was  well  filled,  MacMas- 
ter  arose  and  called  the  meeting  to  order, 
and  they  proceeded  to  the  election  of  the 
senator. 

Besides  Townsend  and  Borden  there  was 
one  other  nominee.  The  informal  ballot 
was  collected,  and  showed  forty-six  votes 
for  Townsend,  for  Borden  thirty-seven, 
and  a  few  for  the  third  man.  This  result 
made  MacMaster  feel  assured,  as  he  called 
gayly  for  the  second  ballot,  that  Townsend 
would  be  elected.  But  then  the  votes  were 
again  collected,  and  the  secretary  read, 
"Townsend  has  forty-seven  votes,  and 
Borden  fifty.     Mr.  Borden  is  elected." 

This  time  MacMaster  looked  around 
helplessly.  He  felt  that  his  chum's  last 
chance  was  gone.  He  had  not  expected 
defeat,  and  it  was   some  time  before   his 


124  AMHERST  LIFE. 

feelings  allowed  him  to  ask:  "  Is  there  any 
further  business  ?  " 

The  same  evening  the  meeting  of  the 
senate  was  held,  and  both  Reginald  and 
the  victim  of  the  hazing  appeared. 

Again  the  freshman  told  the  story  of  the 
hazing,  and  accused  Reginald  of  being  one 
of  his  tormentors,  and  again  the  sophomore 
denied  the  charge,  but  acknowledged  that 
he  had  no  proof.  "Very  well,"  said  the 
president,  who  presided  over  the  meeting; 
**if  you  have  nothing  else  to  say  in  your 
defense,  you  may  withdraw  to  the  next 
room  and  await  the  decision  of  the  senate." 
Reginald  went  out  and  threw  himself  down 
on  one  of  the  hard  wooden  benches.  He 
knew  too  well  what  the  decision  would  be, 
for  since  Borden  had  been  elected  senator 
he  had  given  up  even  the  faintest  hope. 
He  was  younger  and  more  sensitive  than 
most  of  his  fellows.  Some  men  in  his  posi- 
tion would  have  shown  boastful  indifference 
which  they  would  have  mistaken  for  manli- 
ness. But  not  so  Reginald;  he  dreaded 
the  results  and  longed  for  some  proofs  of 
his  innocence.  Thoughts  of  the  disgrace 
and  of  his  father's  disappointment  jostled 
through  his  brain.     Why  did  not  those  who 


AMHERST  STORIES.  125 

had  really  done  the  deed  acknowledge  it 
and  free  him  from  the  punishment  ?  Then 
his  thoughts  wandered  to  facing  the  de- 
cision, but  a  few  moments  off,  and  he  deter- 
mined to  meet  it  as  firmly  as  possible.  He 
would  be  ashamed  to  show  any  weakness. 
So  he  mustered  up  his  courage  and  waited 
patiently.  It  was  only  a  few  minutes  later 
that  he  heard  the  latch  behind  him  turn,  and 
looking  around  he  saw  Borden's  massive, 
ugly  head  poked  through  the  half-opened 
door, 

**The  president  sent  me  to  summon  the 
culprit  to  reappear  before  the  meeting,"  said 
the  senator  jeeringly.  "Will  you  kindly 
follow  ?  " 

Reginald  bit  his  lips  and  followed,  but 
his  resolve  not  to  flinch  was  strong,  and 
he  stood  before  the  president's  desk  with- 
out wavering. 

Then  the  president  said:  "Reginald 
Thompson,  the  senate  has  decided  that 
on  account  of  your  actions  against  the 
freshman  whom  you  hazed  you  are  un- 
worthy to  be  any  longer  a  member  of  this 
college.  Hereafter  you  will  attend  none  of 
the  recitations  or  exercises." 

Reginald  turned  and  was    just   walking 


126  AMHERST  LIFE. 

toward  the  door  when  it  flew  open,  and  in 
rushed  MacMaster,  followed  by  another 
man.  The  class  president  was  excited  and 
he  evidently  brought  news.  His  eyes  were 
flashing,  his  cheeks  were  reddened  with 
running,  and  a  smile  of  exultation  touched 
his  lips.  Then,  remembering  the  decorum 
proper  before  the  president,  he  checked 
himself  and  said,  as  calmly  as  his  excite- 
ment would  allow,  **  Mr.  President,  excuse 
my  interruption;  I  hope  that  you  have  not 
yet  voted  upon  this  matter,  for  I  have 
found  a  witness." 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it,"  replied  the 
president,  **for  we  want  all  possible  light. 
What  has  the  witness  to  say  ?  It  is  not  too 
late,  if  it  is  anything  of  importance." 

The  newcomer  stepped  forward  and, 
after  a  moment's  hesitation,  addressed  the 
president:  "As  I  was  hurrying  to  catch 
a  train  on  last  Friday  evening  I  heard  the 
watchman  shouting,  '  Stop  those  fellows ! 
Stop  them  ! '  and  at  the  same  time  two 
college  men  ran  past  me  at  full  speed.  I 
had  only  just  time  enough  to  catch  my 
train,  so,  without  taking  much  notice  of  the 
trouble,  I  hurried  on.  To-day,  when  I  re- 
turned from   my  trip,    I  found  the  whole 


AMHERST  STORIES.  127 

college  talking  about  some  hazing  that  had 
been  done  on  the  evening  when  I  left  town; 
I  found  that  Thompson  of  the  sophomore 
class  had  been  accused  of  being  one  of  the 
culprits,  and  that  as  such  he  was  to  be  ex- 
pelled from  college.  I  asked  for  particu- 
lars, and  it  was  proved  to  me  that  the  two 
men  who  ran  past  me  as  I  was  going  to  my 
train  last  week  were  the  very  ones  who  had 
done  the  hazing.  Reginald  Thompson, 
sir, — "  the  last  sentence  was  said  very  de- 
liberately,— "  Reginald  Thompson  was  not 
one  of  these  two." 

The  whole  room  had  been  perfectly  quiet 
while  the  testimony  was  being  given,  and 
when  it  was  finished  there  was  a  look  of 
relief  upon  the  faces  of  all,  with  one  ex- 
ception. The  president  smiled  with  satis- 
faction, for  he  had  been  troubled  through- 
out the  affair  by  the  steady  denial  of  the 
supposed  culprit;  and  most  of  the  senators 
shared  his  feelings,  even  those  who  had 
voted  against  Thompson,  Alvan  Borden 
alone  did  not  feel  the  universal  pleasure. 
If  one  had  watched  him  while  the  witness 
had  been  speaking,  one  would  have  seen 
how  those  deep-sunken  eyes  flashed  with 
hate,  and  how  he    longed   to  pounce  like 


128  AMHERST  LIFE. 

a  tiger  upon  the  witness  and  stop  his  testi- 
mony. But  no  one  noticed  him,  and  when 
the  witness  had  finished  and  all  eyes  turned 
toward  the  president,  the  senator's,  too, 
followed  in  forced  composure. 

Then  the  president,  remembering  his 
duty,  asked  of  the  witness:  **  Since  Mr. 
Thompson  was  not  one  of  the  two  men 
whom  you  met,  can  you  tell  us  who  they 
were  ?" 

"  One  of  them  I  refuse  to  name,"  was 
the  reply,  "for  the  punishment  of  the 
other  will  be  enough  for  a  precedent.  He 
was  Mr.  Borden." 

If  the  meeting  had  been  surprised  when 
Reginald  had  been  proved  not  guilty,  it 
was  still  more  so  at  this  sudden  accusation 
of  the  real  culprit,  and  all  looked  toward 
Borden,  expecting  on  his  part  at  least  a 
denial  of  the  allegation.  But  they  were 
disappointed,  for,  with  a  look  of  dogged 
indifference,  he  waited  silently  until  the 
president  had  asked:  "Do  you  acknowl- 
edge these  things,  Mr.  Borden  ?  " 

Then  indeed  his  sullen   eyes  flashed  in 
their  deep  sockets,  and,  since  he  saw  that 
denial  was  useless,  he  answered,  "I  do." 
Alfred  Roelker,  Jr.,  '95. 


AMHERST  STORIES.  129 


SAWYER'S   HOLIDAY. 

When  we  asked  Sawyer  to  go  with  us  for 
a  "  quiet  little  time  "  on  Mountain  Day  he 
refused.  It  is  unnecessary  to  say  that  we 
were  greatly  surprised.  For  heretofore 
Sawyer  had  been  the  most  anxious  of  us  all 
to  go  off  for  a  celebration;  it  had  always 
been  Sawyer  who  had  taken  the  leading  part 
at  such  times — and  Sawyer  had  always  felt 
the  worst  the  next  day. 

So  when  he  refused — and  his  language 
was  not  uncertain — we  knew  there  must  be 
some  strong  reason  for  his  decision.  **  Go- 
ing somewhere  else  ? "  asked  Tomkins. 
**No;  got  to  stay  right  here  in  Amherst 
all  day,"  "Hang  the  money;  your  credit 
is  still  good  with  me,"  said  Badger. 
"  'Taint  money,  Badge,  old  boy.  Thanks 
very  much, — no,  I  don't  mind  borrowing 
a  little  more, — but  I  have  to  be  here — fact 
is,  fellows,  I  am  going  to  work  all  day." 

To  such  a  declaration  as  that  from 
Sawyer  we  could  make  no  immediate  reply. 
It  was  as  though  the  sun  should  rise  over 
Northampton  some  morning  and  pass  across 


130  AMHERST  LIFE. 

the  heavens  eastward,  settling  behind  the 
Pelham  hills  at  night,  in  which  case  we 
feel  very  sure  language  would  fail  to  ex- 
press our  consternation.  And  thus  we  were 
at  first  dumfounded  at  Sawyer's  words. 

It  was  natural,  however,  that  we  should 
all  try  to  offer  some  explanation  for  Sawyer's 
conduct,  ** Crazy,"  said  Badger,  "Look- 
ing for  a  three,"  disdainfully  remarked 
Tomkins.  "  Getting  pious,  more  likely," 
said  I,  **No,  it  isn't  any  of  those  things, 
fellows.  I'll  tell  you;  you  see,  here  it  is 
senior  year  and  I  have  not  done  any  work 
since  winter  term  sophomore  year.  I  have 
a  lot  of  things  to  pass  off,  and  I  don't  want 
to  leave  them  all  till  senior  vacation — they 
might  interfere  with  class-supper.  So  I'm 
going  to  stay  home  Mountain  Day  and 
get  some  of  them  up.  I  think  there  are 
seven  in  all,  and  I  guess  I  can  nail  four  of 
of  them  on  that  day." 

This  explanation  from  Sawyer  we  all  con- 
sidered insufficient. 

"Why,  I've  got  six  myself,  old  man," 
said  Tomkins,  "  and  I'm  going  to  leave 
them  till  some  Sunday  next  term.  Besides 
it's  our  last  Mountain  Day,  Jack,  and  we 
ought  to  celebrate." 


AMHERST  STORIES.  131 

But  it  was  all  of  no  use,  and  so  we  went 
without  Sawyer,  missing  him  every  moment 
of  the  day  and  half  wishing  we  had  stayed 
at  home. 

And  this  is  the  way  Sawyer  kept  Moun- 
tain Day. 

He  set  his  alarm  clock  at  five-thirty,  so 
that  he  could  do  his  mathematics  before 
breakfast.  Then  during  the  forenoon  he 
was  going  to  write  nine  essays  for  the 
rhetoric  department — essays  for  which  he 
had  no  time  when  they  were  due.  That 
would  leave  the  afternoon  for  fall  term's 
physics,  and  in  the  evening  he  could  easily 
read  over  a  term's  German.  It  all  seemed 
very  easy,  and  I  am  convinced  that  Sawyer 
really  thought  he  would  enjoy  the  day  as 
much  as  though  he  went  with  us. 

When  the  alarm  went  off  at  half-past  five 
Sawyer  thought  of  his  resolutions  and  got 
right  up.  It  was  an  entirely  new  experi- 
ence for  him  to  do  any  work  before  break- 
fast, but  after  a  few  unnecessary  prelimi- 
naries, which  included  a  walk  around  the 
common,  he  considered  himself  ready  for 
work.  By  breakfast  time  he  had  reviewed  a 
quarter  of  the  mathematics  and  was  tired, 
but  encouraged.     After  breakfast  he  started 


132  AMHERST  LIFE. 

directly  for  his  room,  but,  remembering 
that  he  expected  a  letter,  he  changed  his 
mind  and  went  to  the  post-office.  As  he 
was  coming  away  from  the  office  he  met 
Jones,  who  asked  him  to  have  a  game  of 
billiards.  Jones  was  the  man  who  had 
beaten  him  twice  within  a  week;  Sawyer 
had  been  waiting  for  a  chance  to  play  with 
him  again,  for  he  disliked  to  remember  an 
unavenged  defeat  from  so  unpopular  a  man 
as  Jones.  But  it  was  out  of  the  question 
for  him  to  play  then;  so  he  answered, 
**  Sorry,  but  I  am  very  busy  to-day,  Jones — 
some  other  time." 

Jones  looked  rather  surprised  and  smiled 
a  little.  Sawyer  recognized  the  weakness 
of  his  excuse,  and  so,  as  Jones  was  turning 
away,  he  ran  over  the  situation  in  his  own 
mind.  "The  math,  is  practically  done;  I 
can  do  those  essays  in  three  hours,  and 
that  will  leave  plenty  of  time  for  the 
German.  Besides,  I've  studied  three 
hours  already  this  morning  and  am  tired. 
I  guess  a  little  recreation  will  clear  up  my 
head — I  don't  want  to  get  sick  studying." 
So  he  called  to  Jones  and  said  he  did  have 
time,  after  all.  This  seemed  more  satis- 
factory to  Jones,  and  so  they  went  up  to 


AMHERST  STORIES.  133 

the  hotel.  The  result  of  it  was  that  Jones 
won  the  first  two  games,  and  only  by  the 
most  careful  kind  of  play  did  Sawyer  get 
the  next  three.  When  they  had  finished  it 
was  eleven  o'clock,  and  Sawyer  hurried  to 
his  room  to  begin  on  the  rhetoric.  At  his 
room  he  found  the  morning  paper  and  he 
smoked  a  p.ipe  over  that,  saying  to  himself, 
**  A  fellow  can't  afford  to  get  behind  on  the 
questions  of  the  day — especially  just  before 
election." 

By  dinner  time  he  had  written  one  of 
those  nine  essays,  and  had  decided  the 
theme  of  another  one.  He  and  Wilkins 
were  the  only  ones  at  dinner, — everyone 
else  was  observing  the  day. 

**What  've  you  been  doing  this  morning. 
Sawyer  ? — haven't  seen  you  at  all,"  said 
Wilkins. 

"No,  I've  been  working  ever  since  five 
o'clock  this  morning;  I'm  tired  as  the 
deuce,  too.  I  never  knew  before  how  much 
a  fellow  could  do  in  a  day;  I've  practically 
made  up  a  term's  math,  and  a  term's 
rhetoric." 

"Oh,  yes;  when  a  fellow  applies  himself 
he  can  do  a  lot  of  work  in  a  few  hours. 
Going  away  this  afternoon  ?" 


134  AMHERST  LIFE. 

"No;  going  to  finish  up  the  day  as  I've 
begun  it." 

After  dinner  Sawyer  went  directly  to  his 
room  and  filled  his  pipe.  He  reviewed  the 
situation  again:  "I 'can  finish  the  essays 
in  another  hour,  and  get  the  German  out 
before  supper.  Then  what  will  I  do  this 
evening  ?  Oh  !  yes,  physics.  That  will 
take  fully  two  hours.  Guess  I  ought  to 
have  a  little  nap — can  work  better  after  it." 

So  he  got  onto  the  window-seat  and  took 
a  nap  which  lasted  till  after  three.  He  was 
wakened  by  a  rap  at  the  door  which  proved 
to  be  by  a  boy  with  a  special  delivery  letter. 
The  letter  bore  the  postmark  Northampton, 
and  was  as  follows  : 

"  My  Dear  Mr.  Sawyer  : 

"  My  roommate  was  agreeably  surprised 
this  noon  to  receive  a  telegram  from  her 
friend  Mr.  Blewes  of  Yale,  saying  that  he 
would  call  this  afternoon.  As  it  is  impos- 
sible for  us  to  get  a  team,  we  are  going  to 
have  a  little  tea  this  afternoon  about  five, 
and  we  want  you  to  make  the  fourth  one. 
You  can  readily  see  that  the  tea  will  be  a 
complete  failure  without  you — for  three  is  a 
very  ugly  number.     So  please  come — if  you 


AMHERST  STORIES.  135 

don't  I'll  never I  expect  you  without 

fail. 

*' As  ever,  most  cordially  yours, 

"  Grace  Talmadge. 
**  Smith  College,  Thursday  noon." 

Of  course  Sawyer's  first  thought  was  to 
go  over.  Then  he  remembered  that  he  had 
a  little  work  to  do,  and  the  result  was  a 
burst  of  profanity  which  was  by  no  means 
mild.  But  it  was  far  from  natural  that  any- 
thing should  stand  in  Sawyer's  way  when 
this  particular  young  lady  was  concerned. 
And  he  reasoned  it  all  out  this  way  :  "  I've 
done  the  math,  and  rhetoric;  there  was 
really  only  one  thing  I  didn't  understand  in 
that  physics,  and  I  can  get  that  up  after  I 
get  back  to-night.  It  will  be  easy  to  bluff 
the  German.  So  I  have  already  done  prac- 
tically everything  I  had  planned  for  to-day. 
Besides,  my  head  aches  and  I  feel  a  little 
feverish — staying  in  doors  too  much,  I 
guess.  That  is  a  mighty  pleasant  note 
from  Grace — er — from  Miss  Talmadge,  I 
mean.  I'll  have  to  drive  over,  won't  I  ? 
Wonder  if  I'd  better  take  up  some  flowers — 
very  informally;  white  roses  I  guess — no, 
pink ;  those  go  better  with  her  complexion. 


136  AMHERST  LIFE. 

It's  lucky  I  stayed  home  to-day.  Glad  I 
did  all  my  work  this  forenoon — it  pays  not 
to  put  things  oif." 

As  he  was  thinking  the  situation  over  to 
himself  in  this  way  he  had  already  begun  to 
dress,  meantime  whistling  the  classic  which 
tells  of  O'Grady's  swimming  abilities. 

Sawyer's  toilet  was  unusually  elaborate 
that  afternoon,  but  in  due  course  of  time  he 
might  have  been  seen  going  toward  the 
livery  stable.  Although  it  was  Mountain 
Day  he  was  able  to  get  a  team,  by  means  of 
which  one  hour  later  he  was  in  Northamp- 
ton. The  walk  up  Elm  Street  was  not  as 
interesting  as  usual,  because  there  were 
fewer  maidens  to  watch  him  from  behind 
half-opened  shutters  or  partly  drawn  cur- 
tains. But  the  end  in  view  made  the  walk 
even  under  these  depressing  conditions  far 
from  unpleasant.  They  were  waiting  for 
him  and  She  was  radiant.  The  chaperon 
was  not  bad — the  best  thing  about  her 
(so  Sawyer  thought)  was  that  she  was 
called  out  soon  after  he  arrived  and  that 
she  came  back  only  in  time  to  say  good- 
night, two  hours  later.  Of  course  they 
were  all  glad  he  came;  Blewes  and  the 
roommate    because    now    Miss    Talmadge 


AMHERST  STORIES.  137 

would  not  be  in  their  way,  and  Miss  Tal- 
madge  herself  because  she  was  no  longer 
an  odd  one.  She  told  Sawyer  how  she  had 
worried  lest  he  should  not  come,  and  how 
awfully  provoking  it  would  have  been  ; — 
all  of  which  Sawyer  considered  personal. 
Then  he  told  her  how  he  had  worked  all 
day  long  from  five  o'clock  till  the  time  he 
received  her  note,  a  little  after  four,  and 
how  he  had  hurried  to  get  over  in  time;  all 
of  which  Miss  Talmadge  said  was  awfully 
hard  luck.  Then  Sawyer  went  on  to  say 
that  he  was  glad  it  was  senior  year,  as  he 
was  getting  very  tired  with  all  the  work  he 
had  on  hand,  and  he  was  anxious  to  get 
into  business.  And  Miss  Talmadge  agreed 
that  he  looked  tired  and  that  doubtless  a 
change  would  do  him  a  great  deal  of  good. 
Blewes  and  the  roommate  seemed  to  be 
very  well  acquainted,  and  for  the  most  part 
they  confined  their  conversation  to  them- 
selves. The  time  went  very  swiftly  because 
pleasantly,  until  Sawyer  heard  the  clock 
strike  six.  Then  he  made  a  movement  to 
go,  saying  that  he  had  some  work  for  the 
evening,  but  the  girls  would  not  listen  to 
such  an  excuse.  After  that  Sawyer  told 
her  that  he  and  some  friends  were  going  to 


138  AMHERST  LIFE. 

give  a  german  in  a  few  weeks  and  he  would 
like  to  have  her  attend.  Of  course  she 
blushed  and  thanked  him,  saying  that  he 
was  very  kind,  and  that  if  he  was  sure  he 
wanted  her  she  thought  perhaps  she  could 
arrange  it.  And  Sawyer  said  of  course  she 
was  the  one  he  wanted  and  that  he  should 
have  absolutely  no  pleasure  if  she  did  not 
go.  So  she  promised  and  they  shook  hands 
on  it,  prolonging  the  handshake  a  few 
moments  till  Blewes  turned  to  ask  Sawyer 
about  Amherst's  football  team. 

But  at  last  it  was  time  to  go,  as  Blewes 
had  to  catch  a  train.  Sawyer  told  the 
chaperon  (who  had  come  in  a  little  while 
before)  that  they  had  missed  her  greatly, 
and  that  they  were  sorry  she  had  been 
called  away.  Then  he  reminded  Miss  Tal- 
madge  of  her  promise  and  they  said  good- 
night all  around.  Sawyer  and  Blewes 
walked  down  town  together  and  parted  by 
the  post-office.  Sawyer  felt  too  well 
satisfied  with  the  world  in  general  and  with 
himself  and  Miss  Talmadge  in  particular  to 
go  home  and  to  work  again.  He  reasoned 
that  after  such  a  jolly  time  as  he  had  just 
been  having  a  little  celebration  was  neces- 
sary.    So  he  hunted  up  some  of  the  boys 


AMHERST  STORIES.  139 

(it  was  not  a  difficult  task,  for  he  knew 
where  to  search  for  them)  and  the  evening 
passed  very  quickly.  It  was  twelve  instead 
of  eight  o'clock  when  Sawyer  got  to  his 
room.  By  that  time  he  had  forgotten  all 
about  the  work  he  had  planned,  and  so  he 
went  to  bed. 

The  next  day  Sawyer  asked  us  if  we  had 
a  good  time.  We  said  that  of  course  we 
did.  Whereat  he  replied,  "I'm  mighty 
sorry  I  couldn't  be  with  you,  boys,  but  still 
I'm  glad  I  stayed  at  home,  for  you  see  I 
made  up  practically  four  conditions,  and 
now  I'm  sure  of  my  diploma." 

And  ever  since  that  day  Sawyer  has  borne 
witness  to  the  theory  that  the  only  condi- 
tion necessary  to  the  accomplishment  of 
hard  work  is  conscientious  application. 

Chas.  Amos  Andrews,  '95. 


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